How to Prepare for Mother's Day as a Bereaved Mother (and 10 Ways to Celebrate) | Episode 119
As we approach Mother’s Day, maybe you are wondering will anyone recognize my motherhood? Will anyone remember? Will anyone see me as a mother?
Today I am talking about what it looks like to prepare for Mother’s Day as a bereaved mother. I am sharing my best advice about how to tangibly prepare for this day, and the days leading up to it, as well as simple ideas for how you, as a bereaved mother, can celebrate your motherhood this Mother’s Day.
For a complete list of Mother’s Day resources click here
8 WAYS TO PREPARE FOR MOTHER’S DAY AS A BEREAVED MOTHER
1. Make a plan for how you will celebrate, even if no one else does.
Earlier this week we shared a bonus episode written and read by Mary Margaret Powitz. In her piece Mother’s Day is Coming, she wrote this:
But either way, isn’t your motherhood, no matter how it looks, worth celebrating — in its’ entirety? You may have only carried your child for a few days, or maybe 16 weeks, maybe 36, and maybe you even got to bring your baby home. However long you had with your child, they still lived, and you still loved them, and you are still a mother. Whether anyone else claims it to be true.
Which means, you don’t have to wait for anyone else to “do something.” Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be about what others do or don’t do, but about how you choose to celebrate your own story and value as a mom.
I am so grateful for Mary Margaret’s words and admonition that you can celebrate and acknowledge your motherhood, whether anyone else around you does. And in light of that wisdom and encouragement to celebrate your motherhood, we wanted to share 11 simple ways that you can celebrate this Mother’s Day. Even if those around you “do something” or not. We tried to think of ways that would make you feel special, things that are not ordinary or a normal part of your everyday life and also a few things that would give you the opportunity to honor and remember your baby.
For a free Celebration Ideas checklist click here.
10 WAYS TO CELEBRATE YOUR MOTHERHOOD
1. GET A SPA TREATMENT OR HAVE YOUR OWN SPA DAY AT HOME
Make an appointment for a massage or getting your nails done — something that feels like a treat or a splurge, something that feels special and out of the ordinary, like a celebration.
Or you could also make your own spa moment at home. Take a bath, do your nails, use that face mask you’ve been meaning to try. This post lists 50 ways (including lots of DIY recipes) to have an at home spa day.
Favorites for a Spa Day (sourced from Target so you can place a pick-up order and not even have to leave your car.)
You could make your own spa day gift basket, order some of the items above from Target, place a pick up order and you won’t even have to leave your car! And if you sign up to join us for the Celebrating Motherhood event, you’ll get the supplies and instructions for making a Mother’s Day Body Scrub! A perfect addition to an at home spa day.
2. GO FOR A WALK
Find a new-to-you park, nature or hiking trail to get outside, breath in fresh air and get your body moving. Look up and breathe deep. Getting outside and moving your body is incredibly healing and I’m sure we can all benefit from the endorphins a walk would provide on a hard day like mother’s day.
3. PLANT SOMETHING.
Whether it's a plant, a flower, a tree or even a fruit or vegetable, using your hands, getting messy and being outside can be life-giving and healing.
Favorite Gardening Resources
We love this beginner gardening resource from my friend Peonies & Peppers and this Gardening 101 resource from my friend Lara Casey.
4. MAKE YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST TREAT OR ORDER TAKE OUT FROM YOUR FAVORITE BRUNCH SPOT
Going out could potentially feel very hard as there will be lots of mothers with their living children being celebrated. So we think brunch in feels like a great idea on this day. Obviously you know yourself and if you want to go out, go out! We just want you to be aware that it could be painful.
We have listed an entire menu of our favorite brunch treats and recipes below — if cooking and baking feel therapeutic and special to you then by all means go for it! And if not, pass on the recipes and simply order your brunch from your favorite restaurant.
Favorite Recipes for Brunch-y Treats
5. WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR BABY OR JOURNAL.
Writing can be incredibly healing and therapeutic. We created a beautiful 5 page mini journal for you, complete with journal prompts. Download those journal prompts here.
6. GET CREATIVE: MAKE SOMETHING OR DO A LITTLE COLORING
Making something to honor your baby and to celebrate your motherhood could be a really fun thing to do on this day. It reminds me of bringing something beautiful into the world out of a place of hardship, like bringing beauty from ashes.
We recently made a beautiful pressed flower frame with flowers that we bought to honor our motherhood and our baby. If you weren’t able to join us for a Celebrating Motherhood Night, simply sign up here for the instructions and supplies needed for two meaningful items. Or you could head to Pinterest and find the instructions for something you pinned there long ago that you wanted to make. Get the supplies before Mother’s Day so you can actually make it when the day comes. Then, put on music that feels special to you and make something.
Like making something with our hands, coloring can also be incredibly therapeutic and relaxing and wonderfully mindless, so we made you a mini coloring book! Download it here.
7. LOOK & REMEMBER: LOOK THROUGH PHOTOS & KEEPSAKES
Giving space to pull out your baby’s keepsakes or look through photos or even to start a keepsake box is a beautiful way to celebrate your motherhood as you remember and celebrate the life of your baby.
8. BUY YOURSELF FLOWERS.
Flowers brighten a room and a heart. And there is no shame in buying them for yourself. In fact grocery store flowers are some of our favorites and it’s tulip season! In the show notes we linked a resource for how to arrange grocery store flowers and think you will love that!
Check out this tutorial for how to arrange grocery store flowers! We pinned a few more tutorials here for fun.
9. VISIT SOMEWHERE YOU WISH YOU COULD TAKE YOUR BABY.
The zoo, the beach, a botanical garden or a special outdoor park. Sometimes leaning into the grief is more healing than avoiding it.
10. TEXT A FRIEND WHO MIGHT BE HURTING
You might know what it feels like to feel forgotten on this day, so reach out to another mama who might be feeling the same way. Remind her she’s loved and that she’s remembered. In doing so your heart will be lifted and so will hers, a beautiful way to celebrate motherhood. Or if there is a special woman who has mothered you in this season, reach out to them and thank them. There is nothing quite like gratitude to spark joy in our own hearts, even when we are hurting.
Feel the freedom to do one of these things, a few of these things OR DO NOTHING AT ALL.
Take a nap. Stay in your pajamas. Stay in bed, cozy under the covers.
There is no guilt or shame to be had here.
Because you’re still a mom even if you do none of these things.
You are still loved. You are still celebrated. Your baby is still remembered. You are still a mom.
Ok, so those are my 10 simple ideas for celebrating mother’s day as a bereaved mother. And as you think about Mother’s Day coming next week, jot down a few of the things that sound like they could be life-giving on that day. Make a plan to celebrate your motherhood in the way that feels the most special and meaningful to you. Remember you don’t need anyone’s permission to do this. And like Mary Margaret said, However long you had with your child, they still lived, and you still loved them, and you are still a mother. Whether anyone else claims it to be true. Which means, you don’t have to wait for anyone else to “do something.” Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be about what others do or don’t do, but about how you choose to celebrate your own story and value as a mom.” So how will you choose to celebrate?
2. Confide in someone.
The second way we would recommend you preparing for Mother’s Day is considering confiding in your spouse or partner or a close friend about how difficult the anticipation of Mother’s Day feels, the fear of being forgotten, the fear of pain over who is missing and what has been lost. Be honest about what you think might be helpful and what you might need. If it’s your spouse or partner, be honest about ways they could celebrate your motherhood, ways that would be meaningful to you. I know how uncomfortable and potentially awkward, even painful that conversation could be. I know that in a lot of relationships having that conversation could be even more hurtful than not having it. Just consider if your spouse/partner is a safe person for you right now in this season and if so be honest with them about how you are doing and what you need. If not I would really recommend still having a conversation but doing so after Mother’s Day -- being honest that you didn’t feel like you could go to them and feel supported. Again, it will likely be an uncomfortable and hard conversation but the emotions will not be quite as heightened. If you can’t go to your spouse/partner, consider reaching out to one close friend, invite them into this journey. Ask them ahead of time to reach out or ask them if they can be your available person if you need someone to text or call or spend time with on that day. Grief can feel incredibly lonely but it doesn’t mean you have to grieve alone. Feel the freedom to invite someone else in to walk alongside you.
3. Stay off Social Media
The third way we would recommend preparing for Mother’s Day is to stay off social media
We all know how social media can compound already existing hurt and grief and yet we sometimes forget that we get to control our exposure to that potential hurt. So consider removing this potential hurt for a few days leading up to Mother’s Day and a few days after. I know it sounds too simple and you likely feel as though you should be stronger, able to celebrate with those you love as they post pictures and words celebrating their motherhood. Friend, knowing your potential triggers and removing them does not mean you don’t love those around you. It means there’s something wrong with you or you are doing something wrong for not showing up and celebrating with them, this is especially true in a virtual social media sense. If there are women in your life that you want to wish a happy mother’s day -- do that, but do it on your own terms via text or card in the mail. Don’t fall into the trap that just because it’s seemingly ok for everyone else it should also be ok for you.
4. Give yourself permission to avoid places that might be triggering
The fourth way to prepare for Mother’s Day is along the same lines of social media, avoiding potential additional hurt by giving yourself permission to avoid places that might be triggering like restaurants, group gatherings, or in-person worship services. Sometimes we think we are being too needy or high maintenance and hate the fact that we can’t do the normal things everyone else is doing because of our loss. So we will tell ourselves to get over it and do the thing, even if we know it might be incredibly hurtful. This is me saying, you’re not high maintenance and you are not extra needy. You are a woman who has experienced pain and loss and it’s ok to grieve that your perspective has shifted and your reality is different now, that once benign things can be so painful to you now. It’s ok to grieve that. And it’s certainly ok to give yourself freedom to sit those things out. I want to also tell you -- it won’t always feel this way. At some point in the future some of those triggers will feel less triggering, less painful and you will be able to go to the restaurant or the in-person worship service with less angst; maybe knowing that it won’t always feel this hard will help you give yourself the permission to sit this one out.
5. Prepare a few meals
The fifth way to prepare for Mother’s Day is to consider preparing a few meals to have over the weekend and even into Monday or ordering a few from a service like Hello Fresh. Planning meals and cooking can feel incredibly overwhelming and difficult to manage on days that feel hard. And on a day like Mother’s Day it can feel especially hard -- knowing that other mothers are potentially getting a day off from those daily chores makes it even harder. So consider just prepping a few meals ahead of time. Because there is something really amazing and helpful about being able to slide a frozen meal right into the oven with zero prep.
6. Make no commitments
The sixth way to prepare for Mother’s Day is to make no commitments. I think it’s helpful on hard days and holidays to have a general rule of no set plans or commitments the first 1-3 years after loss. You just never know how you are going to feel until the moment arrives. So my advice would be to either make no commitments or if you do make plans with others, let them know that you might need to adjust depending on how you’re doing when the day arrives. Again this will likely feel a lot like my thoughts about avoiding places that might feel triggering. That you feel like you’re being too much or that you are going to let people down or that others won’t understand. Friend, they probably won’t understand and that’s ok. It won’t feel like this forever and you aren’t too much. You are a grieving mother who is making decisions to care for your soul -- that is a responsible and wise choice. You future self will thank you.
7. Consider taking a day off
The seventh way to prepare for Mother’s Day is to consider taking the Monday after off work or at the very least lowering the expectations on yourself, knowing you will likely be emotionally drained. No one told me how difficult the emotional hangover would be after difficult days. So this is me saying, the emotional hangover is real. I imagine it’s all the mental anticipation leading up to it and all the effort it takes to protect your heart on a day like Mother’s Day that when it’s over you feel absolutely drained and exhausted - relieved that it’s over, yes, but still exhausted. So, if you are able, consider taking the Monday after Mother’s Day off of work or away from your normal responsibilities. This way you can avoid a lot of the “how was your Mother’s Day?” questions and conversations and potential triggers and additional hurt as well. You can give yourself time and space to rest and breathe before diving back into real life. If you aren’t able to take the day off or set aside your normal responsibilities for the day, just acknowledge that your capacity could be more limited than usual. Lower the expectations about your ability to perform that day. Go into the day knowing you may feel more exhausted than normal. All of which is ok. Give yourself grace friend. Again, it won’t always feel this way. And one more time, it’s ok to care for yourself in this way. Investing in your real healing, not a superficial grin and bear it kind of healing is a worthwhile endeavor.
8. Know that the days leading up to Mother’s Day might be hard too.
The eighth and final thought about preparing for Mother’s Day, I just want to acknowledge that often the days leading up to a difficult day can actually be harder than the day itself. I say that so you won’t be surprised if Friday or Saturday actually feel really hard as you anticipate Sunday. Give yourself grace, hold low expectations and feel the freedom to have no commitments for the days leading up to Mother’s Day or at the very least feeling the freedom to back out of something that was previously planned.
Friend, Mother’s Day is really hard for a woman who has experienced the loss of a baby. Feel the freedom to acknowledge that reality, even to grieve that reality and to prepare in any way that feels helpful to you. And as you do so don’t forget to make a plan for how you will celebrate your motherhood even if no one else does. Because God chose you to be your child’s mother. He saw you and said, “She will carry my child well.” That is worth celebrating. So I ask you friend, how will you choose to do it?
I would love to hear how you will be celebrating your motherhood this year. So head over to our free online community to share with us. If you are not a part of our community, we would love to have you! To join us simply head to themorning.com/community.
And as always, I want you to know that you are loved, you are seen, and you are not alone.
P.S. Don’t forget to download the free Checklist of Celebration Ideas click here.