Grief & Marriage: Thoughts From A Counselor

Marriage in normal everyday life can be difficult. And a marriage that has experienced the loss of a baby and is grieving can be even more difficult. We are all imperfect people, making mistakes often and all the elements that make relationships difficult in normal life are exposed and heightened when grieving.Michelle Horton, a biblical counselor, has been working with women who are hurting for the past 6 years, counseling a variety of issues including grief, depression and anxiety. We spoke with Michelle about her thoughts on grief and marriage, what are the biggest challenges facing a couple who have experienced the loss of a baby, ways to fight against those challenges and fight for the marriage, and lastly what encouragement would she give to a couple grieving.

What do you perceive to be the biggest challenge facing a couple who has experienced the loss of a baby?

I think the biggest initial challenge for a couple is being able to have the space and time to grieve. There are several things that can hinder this process.

1. Well-meaning people who try too hard to explain away the suffering (often using Scripture in an unhelpful way) or push them to "move on."
2. A spouse who compares their grieving process to the other and then puts pressure on themself or the other to be on the same page.
3. The couple subconsciously puts deadlines on themselves for when they should be "over it."

What do you think are the most helpful tools for fighting against those challenges and fighting for the marriage/relationship?

Finding a support group specifically designed for people who have lost a baby. This is an invaluable tool which will remind you that grieving is a process.  These support groups will give you the space to be honest with how you are feeling and give you tools to manage each day.  And these meetings will give you and spouse things to talk about together. I also strongly recommend finding online communities and articles like "The Morning" that can provide supplemental support on a daily basis.  So important.

What encouragement would you give to a couple who has experienced the loss of a baby?

Two things--First, talk with God. Bring all of your honest and raw emotions to him.  You don't need to clean yourself up for Him.  He honors his children coming to him as they are.   If you are angry with God, tell him.  Use Lamentations 3 as a guideline for honest prayer before God. Secondly, talk with one another regularly about your grief--no matter what.  Often one or both individuals want to "be strong" for the other person.  This is dangerous because it often makes the more expressive spouse feel alone and the "strong" spouse stuffs emotions and withdraws.  If you are worried that what you need to share is too hard for your spouse, reach out to a godly friend and process it with them so that they can help you to figure out how to share it with your spouse. If you feel stuck, enlist the help of a godly counselor to help you. But please keep talking to each other! It will make your marriage stronger.

 

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[left][/left][right]MEET MICHELLE | Biblical CounselorMichelle Horton has been on staff with Heart Song Counseling for over six years counseling a wide variety of issues including grief, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, family and marriage counseling.  She has Master of Divinity in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and a BA in Speech and Communication Studies from Clemson University.  Michelle counsels in the Tampa Bay Area and also provides online counseling. She can be reached via email at michelle@heartsongcounseling.org.  For more information about Heart Song Counseling click here.[/right] 

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