Honoring the Due Date of our Baby in Heaven
ARTICLE BY RENEE EMERSON
The date was still circled in the calendar in the kitchen, alongside all the appointments and practices, all the places the family was supposed to be, and when. It was where he was supposed to be, and when he was supposed to be here. Here, with us, not buried alongside his sister, the grass already beginning to grow over the grave.
We had moved around our entire year for him, making space to add another member of the family. Now that space we had made yawned open, seemingly endless, a February to swallow up all Februaries.
We lost him at 19 weeks and 5 days. We lost him, really, at 16 weeks, but my body did not show a sign until weeks afterward. “I have a bit of spotting, but I’m sure it’s no big deal,” I’d texted my sisters and mom, before heading to the doctor alone.
Then no heartbeat. “Your heart must be in your throat,” one nurse said, as she pushed and scanned, looking for the flicker. Then she was quiet. She called in another nurse.
“I’ve been through worse,” I said, meaning I expect these kinds of things, that this is the kind of world that is familiar to me after the loss of my daughter Kit a few years earlier. I live in a world where babies die. “I’ve been through worse,” I told the ultrasound tech, the OB, the nurse who hugged me and said she was sorry. “Someone call her husband,” I heard them whisper.
February 10, a circle meant to be left empty, already filled with an eye doctor appointment for B, piano lessons for the older girls, homeschool day 4 of week 26. We never told anyone the exact date—in the past I’d gone overdue, so “a due date is just a guess” I’d say. We guessed he’d be here, in my arms or in my womb, still kicking, still growing. We guessed he would choose the date himself, that we’d just be ready to welcome him. We never thought we’d be in this place again.
Even though we tried to fill the day with the regular schedule of our days, time felt unwieldy and large in my hands. I could not help but look at my typically sized stomach, knowing how swollen it should be; to look at the spot in our room where the bassinet would be, while it still sat in our basement storage, gathering dust. All the “should-be”s crowded in my mind, crowding out the vision of what I hoped our family would be, the vision I’d pieced together after our first loss.
We told the siblings we were sad that day, that it should have been a birthday instead of a grieving day. We gave them extra hugs. Maybe we should have released balloons or sent a donation to the hospital or written letters to him; but all we could do with our grief that day was carry it.
At noon, when our toddler napped, I put on a movie for my older girls and closed the door of my room. I took out the small thin box that held all the memories of Shepherd—elf-sized footprints on a card, his ultrasound pictures, the tape used to measure his eight-inch body. Too easy to measure, so still. The box I keep next to the box of his sister Kit’s things, who I did get to hold for nearly six months before she died.
I cried, and prayed, and asked God Why? Why again? I cried until I couldn’t breathe. Then I splashed my face with cold water, wiped my tears, and crossed the day off our calendar with dark, black ink.
A Note from The Morning:
If you are facing a due date (or other similar milestone) without your baby, we hope you find great comfort in knowing that you are not alone - no matter how you’re feeling. As Renee so eloquently shared, there are complex emotions that arise on such a significant day, and a variety of ways to process. Alongside the wisdom she shared through her personal story, here are 3 practical tips we’ve found most valuable in facing those days.
01. Have some kind of plan in place for the day. A plan, even if the plan is to stay in your pajamas and watch movies all day, is helpful at relieving a bit of the intense emotions the days before.
02. Just pick one thing. We can get so overwhelmed by trying to figure out the perfect way to honor our child that we have a hard time making decisions or making even a simple plan. And we definitely understand — nothing seems quite good enough for the baby we are celebrating. But there isn’t a perfect decision that will make this feel less hard. So feel the freedom to just do the thing that feels right and doable at this moment. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be really really special and meaningful. P.S. Whatever you do this year doesn’t have to become a forever tradition — feel the freedom to let the way you handle these days grow and change over the years.
03. Communicate your expectations with your partner, family and friends. “Baby’s due date is coming up and I was thinking we could mark that day in this way. What do you think?” prevents added grief over miscommunication that can lead to frustration, anger, bitterness and hurt.
TEN WAYS TO CELEBRATE & HONOR YOUR BABY ON HIS/HER DUE DATE:
Light a candle. Invite friends and family to join in at a specific time and share a photo or video of them doing so with you. This Birthday Candle from Laurel Box is perfect for the occasion.
Plant something, a tree or a flower.
Give a donation to a meaningful charity.
Have a special release: butterflies, sky lanterns or balloons (make sure the balloons are biodegradable and no strings are attached). You could drop off lanterns or balloons at friends and family’s home and invite them to join in at a specific time.
Do a random act of kindness. Leave a card that says “A gift in memory of my son’s birthday. Love ______’s Mom.” Invite friends and family to do the same.
Put together a memory box or make a photo book. Or look through an existing memory box or photo book.
Give gifts to a local children’s home, children’s hospital or Ronald McDonald house that are age appropriate for how old your child would be.
Do a service project. You could make tiny blankets, diapers or no sew hats for an organization called Teeny Tears. You can find all the instructions here: www.teenytears.org/making-items
Buy your favorite flowers. Or have them delivered!
Buy a piece of birthstone jewelry.
Bonus #11 - Write a letter to your baby. “Today you would be….” would be a great way to start such a letter. We’ve compiled a list of prompts that can help you fill out a simple but meaningful letter to your baby. Download your free letter guide here.
PS - No matter what you do or don’t do for your baby on his/her due date, please know that your baby’s life matters, is meaningful, and is invaluable. Your baby is loved and remembered every day no matter what that day looks like for you. xo, The Morning Team
Meet the Author: Renee Emerson
Renee Emerson is a homeschooling mom of seven (five on earth, two in heaven), and the author of Church Ladies (forthcoming from Fernwood Press, 2022), Threshing Floor (Jacar Press, 2016), and Keeping Me Still (Winter Goose Publishing, 2014). She adjunct teaches online for Indiana Wesleyan University, and blogs about poetry, grief, and motherhood at www.reneeemerson.com.
Connect with Author: @i_heart_kit
free milestone planning guide
A SIMPLE WORKBOOK TO HELP YOU PLAN YOUR MILESTONE DAYS.
25+ MEANINGFUL IDEAS FOR CELEBRATING, HONORING & REMEMBERING
JOURNAL PROMPTS TO REFLECT & PROCESS YOUR GRIEF ON THOSE DAYS
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