How to Support Families Grieving the Loss of a Baby this Holiday Season
by tiana moore
Family & friends,
As loss parents, we miss our baby(ies) every single day. The holidays seem to amplify the pain as we are so frequently reminded of their absence.
The incomplete gatherings. One less costume to choose. One less chair or highchair at the table. One less sweet face for everyone to adore and hold. Less presents to buy and a stocking hanging empty. Do we or do we not sign their name on the Christmas card? How do we represent them in the family photos? One less voice cheering in the New Year. One less little one to carry to their bed after they insisted they could stay up until midnight.
While you cannot take our pain away, there is so much that you can do to make this journey a bit easier on us. Here are some suggestions and ideas.
Understand that things may need to be different and while you’re sad about it, we’re sad about it too. We don’t want traditions to change or to sit out of things. Unfortunately, our grief is overwhelming and we don’t have a choice. Some traditions are just unbearable to participate in when you’ve imagined your baby being a part of them. Sometimes while we are sad to miss out, it is even more heartbreaking to participate without your little one. It’s okay to share that you’ll miss us, but please don’t make us feel guilty when we have to set boundaries that we did not even want to have to set.
Be flexible. We may say we will be attending a holiday gathering and change our minds on the way there. We may arrive, feel completely overwhelmed by grief, and need to head out early. We may say we won’t be at a gathering, but that day we may feel differently. Let us know that the door is open if it is. Please give grace for plan changes and cancellations - we are simply trying to survive while having some sense of normalcy. We often do not know what may be difficult and what won’t or how we will be feeling that day. Thank you for being patient with us while we do our best to navigate.
Offer to be our buddy at a gathering. Sometimes it is helpful, even in what should be a comfortable situation, to have a buddy to watch out for us. Let us know that we can come to you for comfort or an escape at any time. Watch out for people cornering us in uncomfortable conversations and feel free to intercede. Stay with us or nearby. Offer to escape together for a few minutes to go on a walk or get a drink.
Provide a safe escape if you are hosting the gathering. Let us know that if we need a break, we can escape to the back room or spare bedroom. No questions asked and just for us. It is so comforting just knowing there is a private space we can escape to for a few minutes to cry or take some deep breaths.
Be considerate if you are aware of our triggers. If you know that we have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, maybe give us a heads up before announcing at a holiday gathering we are at. If you know we have a hard time with infants or children the same age as ours would be, maybe offer to split time at a gathering so we don’t have to miss out completely. We know you don’t have to do that and it is not lost on us how very kind that is. We will be forever grateful because you acknowledged our pain and allowed us to also be with our family without obvious triggers.
Include our baby in gifting. If you would have purchased a gift for their child had they been here or if you are buying gifts for all the other little ones, consider including our child too. I know that sounds odd, and you may have to get creative. Consider donating to an organization in our child’s name (you can even ask us suggestions for where to donate). You could buy gifts for a child on a giving tree that is the same gender/age our child would be. Do something kind in our baby’s honor and share it with us in a card during holiday gifting.
Honor our baby with us. Maybe ask before just to ensure we are comfortable with your idea, but it brings so much comfort to include our babies in holiday traditions however possible. Maybe you could bring a bouquet or centerpiece in honor of our baby. Maybe you can light a candle in remembrance to burn throughout the gathering. Maybe you simply mention our baby during prayer before dinner.
Remind us that our baby/babies are not forgotten. A simple “I miss him/her today, too,” or “He/she should be here with us,” means so much to us. Knowing that our baby is not forgotten is so very important to our hearts. Tell us in person or send a text, it can bring a bit of comfort and remind us that we aren’t hurting alone.
Remember that grief is not linear. Please know that just because we finally seemed to do better for holiday season number three, does not mean that we won’t have an incredibly difficult time for holiday season number four. Just because we somehow got through Christmas seeming to enjoy the traditions again, does not mean that the New Year won’t hit us hard. The first year is typically the hardest, but please do not assume that will be true for all of us. It won’t necessarily just get better each year.
Thank you for loving us and our baby/babies so well.
meet the author: Tiana Moore
My name is Tiana Moore and I am from Youngstown, Ohio. I am a follower of Jesus, a wife, a mom to our daughter in Heaven, a cat mom, and a Foster Care Social Worker. I am so proud to be Zola's mommy, and I am determined to spend my life continuing to carry the purpose God has for our story
Connect with Author: Instagram: @movingforward_z
