Honest Answers From a Grieving Father About Life after Baby Loss | Q & A with Jacob Anderson
Tell us about your loss.
Our twin boys Liam and Ryder were born at 25 weeks 6 days unexpectedly in January 2020. This began our long hard stay in the NICU. Both boys were stable and improving the first two weeks of our stay and things were going really well. We were both really enjoying kangaroo time and family movie nights. We would hold the boys as much as we possibly could each and every day.
Then, on the 17th day of our stay, February 9th, when we were going up for our family movie night, our nurses met us at the hand washing station to warn us that our son Liam had a drop of blood in his g-tube so there would be more people in his room but not to be concerned. Then over the next 4 hours of back and forth in the lobby and the boys' room things became increasingly worse until he met Jesus in our arms at 1am February 10th 2020. It was the hardest day of both of our lives and continues to challenge and stretch us in every aspect of our lives especially our walk with the Lord.
Praise God our other son Ryder survived the NICU and is doing well today after 97 days in the NICU.
What surprised you most about grief?
All the "after-shock" or "ripple" effects in every aspect of life. If Liam's passing was a nuclear bomb then the relationships with God, family, friends, and even my own identity were wiped out in the "after-shock wave". There has been an incredible amount of hurt, shame, and guilt with grief and is the most isolating thing I've ever experienced. Also, the biggest barriers to my grief are my religion (not my relationship with Jesus, but the "religion" aspect of it -- my grief is not an indicator of my faith) and my understanding of what it means to be a man/husband/father (being the "strong" one). There has been so much unexpected deep hurt by my friends and family. I've never felt so isolated, alone, and abandoned by those closest to me. It is truly devastating.
What has marriage and grief looked like for you? What advice would you give to a grieving couple?
During our stay in the NICU, since we were both "in the trenches" for Ryder and totally outside of normal life, the grief oddly brought us closer as a couple. We were very open and honest with each other every day and constantly checked in with intentional questions to support one another.
Once we brought Ryder home, our experiences began to really become polar opposite as my wife had women lining up to support her in any way they could whereas it seemed like all the men in my life were running in the opposite direction despite any of my efforts. This created a void between Ally and I that we still struggle with to this day over a year later because although we experienced the same loss, our support systems were so polar opposite, it caused a divide in our marriage.
Our loss happened at the start of the COVID shutdown and has been not only mentally isolating but also physically isolating with extreme quarantine required for an immuno-compromised micro-preemie and all the shutdowns of COVID. I know this is not typical; however, due to this, my advice would be to reach out for help early and often. It is important for you to be there for your spouse, but your mental capacity after a loss is exhausted so it's helpful to have other people around to help you both when you're both running on empty.
Also, for the men, do not try to be the "strong" one, it's not healthy for you nor is it healthy for your wife. Be honest, open, and genuine with your feelings, grief, and sadness. For your wife to see your heart for your child, it's good for her to see you as broken as she is. I am not good at this, and it's extremely difficult because my tendency is to try to be strong for her, but I've learned it's not necessarily helpful in the long run.
What was it like for you to go back to work after your loss? What advice would you give to a dad going back to work?
I had to start working remote from the NICU so that I could have some paternity leave left when we got home. This was extremely difficult. I found very little satisfaction or fulfillment from my work and felt like I was living in 2 different worlds.
Once we got home and after our leaves ran out, both my wife and I both went back to work. We were both able to work fully remote due to COVID which was a blessing. We did this for a few months; however, the mental tax of trying to grieve and work became overwhelming. We decided for my wife to be a stay at home mom full time for this season. I continued to work since we needed to be supported financially, although it seemed to be very meaningless in terms of what matters most in this life and I felt very bogged down mentally. I felt like I was drowning for months and months but kept pushing through because it's what we needed. I even felt like I couldn't hardly comprehend things as I once did, and that I couldn't get my bearings. This continued until, over a year later, I was strongly suggested by my counselor to take some short term disability. This was a very humbling thing for me to do, and i had a hard time actually going through with it; however, it was very necessary for my health.
I would say to take the time you need before you're in a "crisis" like I was. It is a very humbling thing to admit that you're struggling and unable to keep up with being the provider for your family. However, in order to actually care for your family you need to allow yourself time to grieve, heal, and process to get into a healthy mental state.
What resources have been the most encouraging or helpful to you amidst your grief?
Honestly, I've found a lot of my wife's mother resources to be helpful. I've listened to a lot of The Joyful Mourning podcasts and they have helped. I have read different grief books which have helped as well. One of the best books I've read so far is "A Grace Disguised". It puts words to how I've felt in such a resonating way that I found it to be reassuring amidst my grief. I also go to a counselor weekly and do EMDR which I would highly recommend.
Are there any books, bible studies or bible verses that have been a source of encouragement or comfort?
Yes, "Grace Disguised" and "Grief - Walking with Jesus" devotional. I also began journaling in our boys' caring bridge site and continued that (although rarely) once we got home from the NICU. Journaling was a very surprising yet incredibly helpful resource for me. It is exhausting and it's very hard to get myself to do it, but it's very helpful for me. It also allows me to share my thoughts with my wife and close friends who want to invest in my grief.
What was the most meaningful thing done for you amidst loss? How have you been best loved?
Early on it was simply when people would visit and sit with me as I weeped or hugged me. Just the act of being present is the most meaningful thing amidst my loss. I'm best loved by those who don't shy away from my grief/pain and who try to empathize and embrace it. Again, being present and allowing themselves to sit in the grief alongside me is the best I've been loved. It is a rare yet powerful treasure to find amidst your grief.
What's one thing you wish people would ask you?
I wish people would ask me to let them into my real heart. To tell them the detailed story of my son and the aftermath. Not only what the night was like, but also the rest of the aftermath of having to plan his burial and the trauma of being in the NICU for 97 days even after we lost Liam wondering if we would go home with Ryder, and just let them feel how my heart truly feels. To genuinely want to know me for who I have been shattered into after losing my son.
What advice would you give to someone who loves a grieving dad?
Enter in to his grief. Do not shy away from him because you're scared or feel unequipped to help.
There are an infinite number of different disqualifications to keep you away from being the hands and feet of Jesus to him; however, you could be the exact person he needs. He does not care why you're staying away, he desperately needs your love and support regardless of how uncomfortable or awkward it may make you feel. No matter how big you might feel the obstacle of your disqualification, it is never enough to keep you from being present and entering in to help.
You don't have to be a surgeon to hold someone's artery who's bleeding out, you simply have to be present and willing to get your hands bloody. God and only God is the surgeon who can fix the wound of loss, it is not your job, and most likely that's not an expectation the dad has for you anyways; however, you do have a choice whether you are willing to help or not.
I would urge you to get your hands bloody and be the hands and feet of Jesus to help your brother survive because he needs you and non disqualification you might think of matters to a person bleeding out on a table. All they know is that you can hold the wound and if you're there or not.
They need you. You've been specifically placed in this dad's life for a reason, your choice to abandon him for your own comfort or disqualifications can leave a void in his support and make him feel more isolated and abandoned or your choice to enter in and love him can show him that he's not alone nor does he have leprosy to be avoided.
I understand these are drastic words; however, support has been one of the hardest areas of my life after loss and I've spent a lot of time thinking on it. If you know a grieving dad, the choice is not whether or not you have a role to play, it's which role will you be? A lifeline, or another wound?
What is one family tradition that you have established to remember & celebrate your baby?
We celebrate Liam's glory day every year on the 10th. We light a candle each month of the 10th. We do walks that are 2.36 miles long for his birth weight.
What encouragement would you give to another dad who is grieving?
I'm still only about a year and a half after my loss so honestly I still feel like I'm drowning in my grief. The only thing I can think of is that I know days can get very dark and your very soul can feel totally emptied. The outlook may look incredibly grim and hopeless and each day might feel impossible to get through. However, the grace of God will keep you each day, hour, and even minute by minute. You will continue to wake up each and every day by the grace of God and it doesn't matter how small the interval of time is that you need to survive.
There is no playbook, set stages, or timeline for how you should feel or what you should do. Your feelings are valid and you don't need to hide them or shut them out to be strong. It takes more strength to face the darkness than it does to run from it, go numb to it, or pretend it doesn't exist. It's okay to be needy, you're not meant to do this alone. You're not weak because you long for support or because you cry. You're a dad who's lost his child, your grief is as warranted as any father's love for his child. You'll continue to live, although it might be drastically different than what you've ever thought or anticipated.
Jesus is weeping with you, He sees you, and His heart hurts for you.
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