20+ Women Share the Most Difficult or Surprising Aspect of their “New Normal” after Pregnancy and Infant Loss
When a family loses a baby via pregnancy or infant loss, they often describe a specific moment in their baby’s journey as marking a “before” and “after” part of their lives. This “after” is often described as a “new normal” - something they previously were unfamiliar with has now become their usual or expected life.
We asked grieving moms - real women who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss - what they considered to be the hardest part of their new normal. 20 women answered. Here’s what they shared:
You would never wish a new married couple or a family to a newborn closure. Why do we wish loss families closure? A loss family has been born. Just as it takes an entire lifetime to learn what parenting is for each phase it takes just as long to learn a life phase with loss. There is no closure to be had. This is our life now. We can’t just close the door on it… I feel like it’s similar to the sentiment “moving on”, as if we can move on without this loss. It will always be with us. - J
For me it was a huge shift in my relationships. I realized a lot of people who were happy for me and so supportive when I was pregnant weren't there for me after I lost my baby. Some even turned unkind or disappeared. I lost a lot of friends. But I realized they weren't close to begin with, so a major reshuffling happened. - J
It has definitely been friendships, family and people in the community for me. That has been the hardest thing. I realized early on that society doesn’t know grief and how to deal or talk about it. And friendships and family who don’t understand, ignore, deflect. It’s just really disappointing! - M
The deep pain of close friends just not entering completely into the sorrow that is my life now. I wish more than anything that the people closest to me would want to know everything about my baby; they would have wanted to if she had lived. The deep pain of everyone at our church knowing we lost her, and most being silent about it (my husband is the pastor). Friends I was pregnant alongside celebrating the birth of their baby girls and almost ignoring the fact that I too, had a baby girl.. she just didn't live. The shifting of friendships is real in this new normal. Not only do you grieve your baby, but often your friendships/relationships. - M
Coming back to the office was so painful. People I have cared for and supported for years were completely silent about our experience. - F
That holding babies and hearing crying babies doesn’t make me sad. I thought that that would be so hard for me. I’m thankful it doesn’t but I know that’s not how everyone feels.
Find the small things that make you happy and do them often. Find those joys and make them more present in your life but don’t forget to allow the tears and sadness. - R
How much my rainbow helps with my grief. He doesn’t replace my daughter or take the pain away, but having full arms helps. I’m surprised how “normal” I feel most days, just a year and a half later. - J
I didn't realize that grief feels more like a maze than a straight line, I’m basically lost and walking around through all the phases and going "Anger, again!? I was just here." I also didn't realize how my brain would stop working the same. Sometimes I feel like I can't think through simple thoughts like grocery shopping and the idea of filling out a form is overwhelming. - J
I didn't realize how big and physical it would be. I knew I would be sad and miss my baby, I didn't know I would turn into a new person. - J
That grief has affected every single aspect of my life - my personality, my behavior, my relationships, my marriage, my job, my motherhood. - T
(After losing my oldest) How much my identity shifted as I became a new mom even though I had empty arms & a quiet house. The encouragement I’d give is that it takes time can be painful and lonely to settle into this “new normal” but you haven’t lost yourself. You’re just settling into who you are now, which is and will continue to be even more beautiful than you can see in this moment. - M
You keep going. It’s not easy but making your angel baby proud can drive you to keep putting one foot in front of the other. - A
The “club” of women…that none of us want to be in but we are here together. The compassion shared can only be gained through suffering and it is such a gift. It’s an example of beauty from ashes. - A
I think about heaven more and I have more compassion for others that are grieving loss. - K
I used to be a very confident person but now I question everything I do. - A
I’m softer towards the hurting but harder towards everyone else. - E
I’ve become more intimately aware of God’s character, compassion and goodness. - A
Experiencing increased sensory processing difficulty and social anxiety. - S
I’m more aware that others have hidden pain whether it’s the same as my loss or vastly different. We all hurt. - B
I am more bitter, less positive and kind than I was before. - C
My self-expression is more free and raw. My perception of beauty changed greatly. - S
So much more empathy for people because you truly never ever know what they’re experiencing. And also, I love crying a lot. - C
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