Nights & Nightmares

(Originally Posted November 2, 2009)

As the first anniversary of Aaden's death approaches I am finding that much of the progress that had been made over the past months is giving way. I have been haunted by nightmares once again and for the first time in months I woke Aaron last night and had him check on Drew.The pain is new again... different than before. My mind is reliving Aaden's short life over and over again... remembering things I thought I had forgotten. I remembered on Halloween how last year we took Drew and Aaden trick-or-treating around our neighborhood. It was so much fun watching Drew walk up to the doors for his first time and saying something, that in his mind, resembled 'trick or treat.'The beauty of the memory has left me unsettled for the past few days as I remembered that we have the entire event on video. I have actually never seen the footage. And now more than ever I am afraid of watching the video. I am afraid of missing him even more...I keep getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think of him being gone. It was the same feeling I got the morning of November 15 and all the days thereafter when I would realize that this was not a dream but indeed our new life. A life that now knows true pain. A life that truly longs for heaven.God remains faithful... showering me with His unending love and strength. I can say that with assurance. I praise Him for the days that He blessed us with Aaden. I praise Him for my amazing husband, who is so loving and supportive. I praise Him for Andrew who is a delight to us and I praise Him for Asher, who is already a part of our little family. I praise Him for you, my dear family and friends who pray for us and encourage us on a daily basis. I assure you, God is faithful... especially through the pain.