No Words
(Originally Posted April 2009)
Today I write for the first time. I just got off the phone with a friend and asked for her prayers as I write my first blog. How silly. And yet the tears started falling with the first word I typed. Not that silly. My heart has been broken. I physically ache even now as I write. I find myself unable to talk about what has transpired in my life since November 15, 2008. I am not sure if it's because I cannot find the words to truly describe what is actually going through my head or if it's because as soon as my mouth opens I can no longer push down the pain. I think the latter is more true... I have learned that I am very capable of ignoring the overwhelming ache until I begin to talk. So, I don't.This past weekend I stumbled upon Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain: The Story of Audrey Caroline. - (read all Audrey posts here) and I could not tear myself away. I read the most recent post and then found my way back to the very first post, about a year and a half ago. I continued to read through more than a year's worth of blog entries, crying so hard that I could not see through my tears. Aaron hates to see me in pain, thus his questioning "baby, why are you doing this to yourself?"I tried to explain that I had just found all the words that I had been trying to find for the past 5 1/2 months. Though the experiences were much different, the pain is still the same. Her words were my words, her feelings, mine. And suddenly I realized that I had failed. God has been ever faithful, ever gracious, and the true Peacemaker. And I have not told anyone. I apologize.In this blog that I had stumbled upon, the writer, Angie Smith, she tells of how she always wanted to write but that she just had too many insecurities and thought she was not good enough... and then she says but "you (her baby girl, Audrey) have made me brave."
My desire is for you to see a glimpse into my life, the life that God is ever changing and molding; making more like Him.I never questioned God. I have never been angry with Him (except when I was 16 and totaled my car... I remember begging God for a miracle, to fix the car... and being very angry with him when the car was, in fact, totaled. But the anger could have been teenage hormones. Either way, I should not have been trying to see how fast my new car would go... but that is another story.) I always trusted that He knew best. Was this his ultimate plan? No, I don't think so. God created a perfect world, with no death or dying. Our sin ruined that perfection and now evil runs rampant in our lives. Was I disappointed with God? Yes. I have many times since November 15 prayed that He would take this burden from me... that I would wake up to my son, now 6 months old, growing and very much alive. I envision myself telling Aaron about this horrific dream that I had... but that is not the case. This is real. God chose Aaron and me, our families and our friends to bear the weight of this burden.More importantly than me never questioning God or not being angry with Him... I never doubted His love for Aaron and me. From that day on God keeps giving me this reoccuring visual image... of Him (God) holding me as I slept that night. I see Him weeping over me and holding me so tight knowing all the time what would transpire through the night... all while I slept peacefully, completely unaware of how my world would be changed by morning. God is sovereign. He is all-knowing. And He is all-powerful. He and His mighty legions of angels could have said no that night. But God chose to allow Aaden to be taken to Him and so I believe He held me. He protected me from the pain as long as He could. And He loved me... just as He holds me and loves me now.November 14th was the best day. Really... let's go back. October 8th was the best day. I was so incredibly ready to have that baby! I actually cried and somehow managed to convince my doctor to induce my labor even though I had not even reached my due date yet. I wanted to meet him so badly. Our sweet little Aaden Sage Proffitt was born after only 8 minutes of pushing and I am proud to say, with no epidural. He was perfect and oh, so beautiful. I remember when Drew was born... a completely different story... 3.5 hours of pushing and then our lives became complete chaos for months afterwards. My hormones were a crazy mess that resulted in my being overun by mood swings and his (Drew's) colic, and along with that I was a first time mom, doubting every decision I made regarding my new baby. The story was completely different with Aaden. (I mean what baby sleeps through the night at 4 weeks old?) I truly believe that God allowed those 5.5 weeks to be as perfect as life on earth can be. That was His gift to us.Aaron and I, almost effortlessly, were now parents of 2 precious boys. I was and am so proud of these little boys. Before Aaden was even a week old I had them both at the library for story time. I loved being the mother of one and I loved, even more, being a mother of two. Drew absolutely adored his baby brother. Every morning he had to see "baby" before he got his breakfast. He would look for him and I even found him a couple times standing over Aaden's cradle while he was sleeping. Aaron and I were so excited about the future and all the things God had planned for this new little family...Andrew, though very colicky, would be completely content to sit and play all by himself, even when he was very little. Aaden though loved to be held and he loved to be high on my shoulder. He would look around and inspect everything. He was taking it all in... I am so thankful for the seemingly small and insignificant gifts from God... had Aaden not wanted to be held more I would have busied myself with my normal (always extremely long) to-do list, instead of taking the time to cuddle with him and love him a little extra. I pray, even as I write this, that God will help me to remember even the smallest details of his life. I miss him... and I am so afraid that I will forget.November 14 was a great day. Aaden was amazing. I have this beautiful memory of him "helping me paint"... really he was in a bouncy seat while I painted these huge paintings. It was a beautiful day... we spent it with people who mean so much to us. I, too, am so thankful for that sweet gift God gave to us.November 15. I woke to Aaron's alarm at 6am and thought "wow, Aaden slept a long time." The previous 4 or 5 nights he had woken me around 5am to eat. I just thought he was sleeping longer. I walked down the hallway to where he was sleeping and found him not breathing. I wish the rest was a blur but I remember every single detail. I screamed and Aaron came running. I called 911 as Aaron administered CPR. It took only minutes for paramedics to get there, apparently they were hunting in the field next to house... however, those couple minutes felt like a lifetime. Literally. For whatever reason, when the paramedics got there I ran downstairs and sat in the floor. I didn't even try to hold him.In the moment, I wanted to believe that this was not real. Maybe I was trying to ignore what was happening... I'm not sure. I think, I could not bear to see my beautiful baby not alive.I don't remember crying which may sound absurd... and I feel like I knew from the moment I found him that I knew he would not make it. I couldn't even pray. What do you say? I wanted this to be a nightmare. I grabbed Aaron's phone and went down the line in his contact list. I became angry when people didn't answer. I would keep calling until they picked up the phone.Don't they know what is happening right now? Aaden is dead. Don't they understand?I wanted people to pray, to know. I had to do something, so that's what I did. I called everyone I could think of.We rode in a separate rescue vehicle to the hospital. I sat in a waiting room, all the time knowing that it was taking too long... awhile later Aaron came in. He was the brave one. He stood in the ER room with the doctor and all the nurses watching them work on our little baby. I pray that the doctors and nurses know that I am thankful that they tried so very hard. I know they did their very best. Aaron came to me and said he was gone. He didn't make it. They couldn't bring him back.I refused to see Aaden. In my skewed thinking I was afraid to remember him that way. I still, even right now, wanted to pretend it wasn't real, that it was a bad dream. Seeing him would make it real. Aaron made me go in to see him. For that, I will be forever grateful. I wasn't allowed to hold him and I wish I would have ignored those nurses and picked him up and held him for hours. Memorizing his little face and his fingers and his toes...I want to hold him again. My arms physically ache to hold him. They seem empty... I left the room and crumpled to the floor. A drunk college girl came out of the bathroom. She was probably visiting a friend who had drank a little too much the night before... I wanted so badly to scream and yell and ask her if she understands that she is wasting her life... I wanted her to feel true pain. I wanted her to know about my son and his, much too short, life. I refrained myself.The next day was Sunday. I have no idea how my father-in-law or husband had the courage to do so, but both of them went to church. My father-in-law, Dave, told Aaden's story and he gave the message of salvation. He begged people to not let Aaden's life be in vain. Maybe people were in shock but I heard that they didn't move... until Aaron got up. He cried out to them, "Don't let my son's life be in vain." Life is much too short and eternity much too long for you to not receive this message. I wasn't there, but I heard that person after person began raising their hand to begin a new life in Christ. Aaron's blog reads: "Pastor Dave said... 'when a son dies, people get rescued.' Aaden has had more of an impact on God’s kingdom in his short life than many of us will have in our life times. And this is just the beginning..."The next days and even weeks do become a blur. I would stay up so late so that I would be able to sleep. My body ached to feed this little baby and every 3 hours I had a very painful reminder of what had been lost. I was afraid to leave my in-laws house where we were staying because I couldn't bear to go home. I no longer felt that I was capable of being a mother to Drew. I did my best, but I honestly felt he was safer with someone else. I had a hard time being with Aaron, because he, more than anyone, reminded me of Aaden.We got through the funeral arrangements and the memorial service. It was a beautiful, beautiful service. God kept reminding us of His love with each and everyone of you that came. He loved us through you. And for that we are forever grateful.There were moments when I truly felt as though I would not be able to breath my next. The weight seemed just too heavy. And yet, God would say to me, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."I think moments of true suffering deepen your dependency on God. Your relationship with Him is strengthened. He rewards you by showing new facets of Himself to you daily.My goal for this first posting was not to give you every detail of the last 5 1/2 months but for me to begin to write about what God has done and is doing in my life. Even as I read through this, I thought of so many things I want to say... In the following days I will write more and more. My hope is to keep you updated on how God is moving and working through us. I hope that you can see that He is indeed a God of love and of peace. I want you to know that though I wish God would change His mind and bring Aaden back to us... I do trust Him. I hope you trust Him too. I am not too self-consumed to think I am the only one hurting in this world. If you are reading this and you too are suffering I pray God's healing in your life.If you took the time to read all of this, then I want to thank you for caring that much about me and my family. Continue to pray for us as we carry this burden. Pray for opportunities for God to be glorified through Aaden's life and death.with love and sincere thanks,ashlee
