15 Women Share What They Wish They Had Known About Pregnancy After Baby Loss
Allison: Pregnancy after loss taught me that fear and anxiety can exist at the same time as excitement and joy. It is ok to feel all of the emotions, both good and bad. But don’t let your fear rob you of the joy and excitement. Practically, I found breath work, meditation and prayer help immensely as did the mantra/reminder “today I am pregnant.”
Lori: I wish I had known how even the thought of becoming pregnant after loss would incite such anxiety and fear....people tell me I can try again, even my doctor. But just the thought makes me feel so uneasy and anxious.
Anna: It’s okay to not always be happy throughout your entire pregnancy, but it’s also okay if you are. It’s okay if you don’t want to have a baby shower, but it’s also okay if you do. Do what brings peace and helps you feel more comfortable. If that means scheduling extra appointments, do that!
Also, look up PTSD in association with pregnancy after loss and think about seeking professional help. Your emotions, hormones, grief are all going to mix and mingle; it’s so confusing and having a professional to work through it with you can be incredibly helpful.
In my subsequent pregnancy after a fatal diagnosis I didn’t feel okay about it all until we were driving home from the hospital and I lost it. Uncontrollably sobbed for an hour home.
Devyn: It's okay to have mixed emotions. It's okay to not want to plan or buy everything or get too attached. It's okay to do the opposite! It's okay to not announce or announce right away as there isn't really a safe period. My loss was neonatal and there's a lot of internal conflict of moving forward vs moving on. There was immediate guilt from both my husband and myself with a side of joy.
Lori: It’s ok to feel emotionally off.
Lizzie: I wish someone with experience would have told me to take more pictures, and that it’s ok to emotionally live through this loss and feel the loss of my daughter. I slowly unraveled my own feelings after worrying about how it inconvenienced everyone else. I wish someone would have told me that not only is it ok to focus on yourself and your daughter’s memory, it’s important to do so.
Kelsey: It is normal to feel incredibly excited and hopeful, but also just completely terrified.
Mindy: It’s normal to have the feelings that maybe this baby won’t come home too, to hesitate to put a nursery together, to make a birth plan, to feel anxious about going into labor again, to cry during contractions because your heart hurts more than the contraction.
The grief doesn’t stop after the birth, newborn after loss comes with its own challenges. Even though I brought home a healthy baby, it’s still hard. Too often I remember he’s here because his sister is not. Our family was made complete by him but it makes the missing piece seem so much bigger.
God will carry you. Through pregnancy, through labor, through tears while nursing your new baby. Cling to His word, cling to truths you know about Him. There have been times when I struggle to feel the good. Ask Him to heal your heart, to give you joy, and to protect your mind against the lies of the enemy. The grief filled gut punches still come, but He will show you the beauty in the brokenness.
Caitlin: It is normal to wonder and worry about keeping your baby’s memory alive while planning (decorating, child proofing, etc..) for a new baby.
Renee: That even if/when you are afraid, you can know that God will be there for you and sustain you no matter what happens because He has done it before.
Jenni: Take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time some days. It won’t feel real until the baby comes and even then it’s surreal. Do what works for you, even if it means waiting to buy a car seat till the end or waiting to tell people until you are comfortable. There’s no right or wrong way to do any of it. Find those who will listen and rely on them.
Katelyn: I would tell her that it’s not dangerous to believe the best... it seems like it is because we all want to self protect.... but we lose out on more when we live expecting bad news. It steals joy, it steals hope and it steals the redemption that God intended it to feel in pregnancy with rainbow babies. I know loss happens after loss and that is very real for so many.... but going through a pregnancy after loss just expecting it to happen again doesn’t ease the pain if it does.... it just steals away any possible joy no matter the outcome.
Carrie: You need to tell your husband and close friends how fearful you are. Other people may not fully understand, but you're going to need support during the pregnancy or it's going to be a long 9 months. You need people checking in.
Amy: The fear and the hope can coexist. Be compassionate with yourself. And get some support, like a therapist or a coach who understands.
Ashley: You might start to think you’ve made a huge mistake and that you’re not ready yet. But if I had waited, I’m not sure I would ever have felt “ready”.
two helpful RESOURCES FOR understanding grief
Understanding Grief
A conversation with a counselor
Understanding Grief
a free pdf workbook to help you understand the grief you are experiencing.
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