Real Life Examples of How We Grieve Differently Than Our Spouse / Partner
I felt alone in my grief, like he had moved on.
But he was just coping differently.
T.
We all grieve differently and yet we can experience frustration, disappointment, confusion and a plethora of other emotions when the one closest to us, our spouse or partner, is grieving the same loss but in a way that feels foreign to us. As a result we can make assumptions, either about ourselves or about them, things like: we are doing it wrong or they are doing it wrong, they never loved our baby or they are over it and have moved on, you’re too sad or not sad enough. Those assumptions can lead to unnecessary conflict or isolation — I think there is a better way.
Understanding that we really all do grieve differently, and that is ok.
I thought real life examples of how we grieve differently might help us to see we are not alone in navigating differences with our spouse/partner and to also help us see that not just men and women grieve differently, but we as humanity process loss uniquely.
I hope these real life examples encourage you. Let your differences inform each other’s grief. Let it grow you and strengthen you as you grieve together.
what brings you comfort?
HER / HIM
Writing and having a tangible way to 'mother' my son (like visiting his grave), while talking about it brings my husband the most comfort. - A.
Sitting under a blanket, crying, brings me the most comfort, while video games or working out brings my husband the most comfort. ( And retail therapy, honestly, for both of us.) - M.
I can't believe how comforting
Amazon and Hobby Lobby are.C.
Writing and sharing my daughter's story brings me comfort in knowing she will never be forgotten, while my husband connects more to music and grieves privately. - K.
Having quiet moments to grieve, cry, listen to a song brings me the most comfort, while working on a project (building things, yard work, fixing things) brings my husband the most comfort. - A.
Sharing my story and being open with my emotions brings me the most comfort, while staying busy and private brings my husband the most comfort. - K.
Writing brings me the most comfort, while listening to music and playing the piano brings my husband the most comfort. - K.
Listening to music, reading, and writing brings me the most comfort, while verbally processing brings my husband the most comfort. - L.
Talking about my feelings brings me the most comfort, while crying while he does something physical alone brings my husband the most comfort. - J.
Crying and sitting with my feelings brings me the most comfort, while gardening and staying active brings my husband the most comfort. - A.
Talking about it and planning things to honor my daughter brings me the most comfort, while being creative (writing/making music and photography/videography) brings my husband the most comfort. - T.
Stepping away from social stuff to actually focus on my emotions and feelings brings me comfort, while going out and being as busy as possible brings my husband the most comfort. He says it helps him feel like our life is still normal but I have a hard time keeping up - A.
Breaking down with close friends and family or writing in a journal brings me the most comfort, while honoring our son through simple normal daily activities brings my husband the most comfort. - D.
Sharing and promoting my daughter’s story (building a nonprofit) brings me the most comfort, while talking about her at peace brings my husband the most comfort. - J.
Talking about my child/celebrating my child brings me the most comfort, while staying busy/getting back to normal life brings my husband the most comfort. - K.
Transparency, and taking warm baths with calming music brings me the most comfort, while working on projects and staying busy brings my husband the most comfort. (He learned how to build coffee tables, blanket rack holder, shelves, ladder shelf, etc (all after our loss)) - A.
Talking about my daughter, crying, and creating art projects bring me the most comfort, while building and fixing things brings my husband the most comfort. - C.
Talking about daughter and connecting to other bereaved moms brings me the most comfort, while distracting himself like playing golf or watching tv brings my husband the most comfort. - H.
In grief, music and baking brings me the most comfort, while taking time to relax gives my husband comfort. - C.
I feel comforted by lighting a candle for my son on hard days, listening to certain songs, going to counseling, posting on Instagram, going to support groups, talking with others, reading grief books, and wearing jewelry or colors that represent my son. My husband feels comforted by talking to me, playing worship music on his guitar, wearing shirts that remind him of our son (He has a "Spidey Dad" shirt and two shirts for CHD awareness that he wears all the time), and being able to tell other people at work or at church our son’s story. - M.
I feel comforted by writing, talking and being with friends while being alone and baking brings my husband the most comfort. - M
when I feel angry…
When I feel angry I voice my concerns when my spouse feels angry he bottles it up. - K.
When I feel angry I think illogically and catastrophize. When my husband feels angry he is quiet and keeps busy. - O.
When I feel angry, I end up snapping about little things. When my spouse gets angry, he bottles it up for a little while and then lets it out. - J.
When I feel angry I want to talk it out and I usually cry. When my spouse feels angry he shuts down or goes for a drive. - H.
When I feel angry, I want to talk it out with a counselor, with God, or through it with myself by writing. When my spouse feels angry, he keeps to himself and prays about it. - D.
When I feel angry, I am sharp and cranky. When my spouse feels angry, he is quiet and distant. - K.
So grateful I’m not alone... I’m finding there is two types of grief— soft, vulnerable grief and sharp, cranky grief.
K.
When I get angry I overthink and vent a ton. When my husband gets angry, he gets quiet and holds it in. - T.
When I feel angry, I want to address it and verbally process. When my spouse gets angry he internalizes it and doesn’t want to talk about it until it boils over.
Always trying to navigate that even prior to losing our daughter! - A.
When I feel angry, I explode - it comes out in small ways and little ways and random ways but I can’t keep it in. When my spouse feels angry he gets quiet, closed off, and usually works out. - M.
I feel the most loved when…
I feel the most loved when I'm hugged, but my husband feels the most loved when I acknowledge his hard work. -C.
I feel most loved when I’m appreciated (ex: words of affirmation), but my husband feels most loved when I physically express love such as snuggles, kisses, massaging his hair, etc. - A.
I feel the most loved when I feel acknowledged and appreciated for all I do, but my husband feels the most loved with physical affection. - R.
I feel the most loved when my husband verbalizes the good things about me, but my husband feels the most loved when I sit close to him and after work and take time to physically be there for him. - K.
I feel most loved when I'm heard and seen in small things each day, my husband feels the most loved from physical intimacy. - K.
I feel most loved when I get quality time with my husband, and he feels most loved when I scratch his back or head. - T.
I feel the most loved when someone spends quality time with me but my husband feels the most loved when I acknowledge his acts of service and tasks completed. - C.
I feel most loved when my husband does a service for me. Moved the laundry over, tickles my arm, draws me a bath... My husband feels most loved when I cuddle him. - C.
In grief I feel the most loved when people remember important dates. My husband feels the most loved when friends/family buy him gifts or meals. - M.
on a really hard day I need…
On a really hard day, I need my husband to take me out of the house (I need to be anywhere but home), but my husband needs alone time and exercise on a really hard day. - K.
On a really hard day I need someone to cry to. My husband needs to get his mind and hands busy. - C.
On a really hard day I need to be reminded I’m not alone, but my husband needs to be alone in his office when he has a hard day. - C.
On a really hard day, I need a listening ear and time/space to myself (aka someone to watch my toddler). My husband needs quiet time by himself. - S.
On a really hard day, I need to have someone else make me meals, but my husband needs alone time - especially at the gym. - M.
On a really hard day my spouse and I both need someone to cook meals, but I need alone time and my spouse needs to go out and do something with people. - K.
On a really hard day I need space and time alone, whether it’s alone in my room or getting out of the house. My husband usually goes for a walk. -T.
On a really hard day - I need support and love, my husband typically likes to get busy but I find that he also needs support and love. - S.
On a hard day, I need to be allowed some space to grieve without needing to "suck it up" because my family needs me. Other times, I'd love a listening ear. My husband would probably just need to build something or maybe head to batting cages or driving range. - C.
On a really hard day I need someone to listen and encourage me, but my husband needs either alone time to process or physical touch when he has a hard day. - M.
my grief is triggered when…
Going to church triggers my grief, while pictures of our daughter triggers my husband's grief. - K.
Hard dates & anniversaries trigger my grief, and seeing others with similar aged kids triggers my husband's grief. - M.
Seeing other women get pregnant so easily triggers my grief. Me grieving triggers my husband’s grief. - C.
In grief people telling me how God has a greater plan triggers my grief, while meeting new people and getting asked how many children he has, triggers my husband's grief. - C.
Giving details to the day my son died. My husband gets sad when I’m sad. - B.
Seeing babies around the same age my son would be or going to the doctors office triggers my grief. My husband grieves so internally so it’s hard to tell what triggers his grief... probably my own grief. - T.