To the Mom Who Lost Twins
by Carrie Wobensmith
To the mom who lost twins:
Your arms probably feel empty. So does your chest. It’s an emptiness that is loud and lonely as you grieve your twins. I understand that feeling far too well as I still wrestle with the loss of my twins a few months ago. While it feels as though those around us have moved on, we are there with them - the twins. We emotionally stay back to those cherished memories as they grew within us while the world (and our bodies) physically move on. And as we fight to keep their memory alive, it’s hard to see the world continue to spin. Ours has stopped.
I hope you first know that your feelings are valid. You are seen and heard and surrounded in this battle, even when it feels like you are the only one on the battlefield. As someone who mourns my twins, I mourn alongside you because I understand. I am sorry that this is your story right now. It’s a different experience, finding out you’re pregnant with twins. Your mind races with both excitement and anxiety. One baby was a lot to process, but two changed the game. But as you process the idea of two babies, you love both more than you thought capable. And when you lose two, it becomes even more quiet and confusing as you navigate this challenging season of loss and grief. It feels as though you are doubling up on all of your emotions. You’ve probably asked too many questions to count and feel as though you have no answers as responses. Grieving two instead of one feels more painful.
Do not deny yourself of what you need to grieve. Cry when you think of them if you need to. Yell when you need to. Smile when you need to. Your grieving process is just that - yours. Make it your own. No checklist can adequately guide you through the emotions you are feeling and will feel. And no one can tell you what your progress should look like except for you. Day by day, navigate the emotions as they come and let yourself feel them. Jesus welcomes each emotion and feels with you. As you feel your emotions twice over again, He is there.
My encouragement to you is to first, pray. Pray when it feels unnatural and uncomfortable. Pray when you feel like you aren't sure that God hears you. Pray anyway. Even when the prayers are mostly tears and anger, God hears us and meets us there. Sometimes I’m turned away from talking to God because I’m angry for my unanswered prayers. But approaching Jesus is sweet. He shows up, just sometimes differently than we want Him to. We will learn that He alone is enough, and although we are angry and disappointed when He shows up empty-handed (an empty womb or a negative pregnancy test), His love is still present and strong.
Second, honor your twins. Find ways to incorporate your twins into your life - they’re already incorporated into your mind. Create a memorial box, wear jewelry to recognize them, get a tattoo, do what you need to so that you can keep their legacy going. A necklace that hangs from my neck has two hearts, one for each of my babies. As it sits on my chest, I imagine them resting on my chest as I go about my days. They’re with me. And although it’s in a different way than I prayed for and imagined, they’re there. This also gives me the courage to move forward. Not to move on and forget them, but to acknowledge the very real love in my heart that still stirs within me while learning to be “okay.”
Motherhood is not defined by the number of children your arms have cradled. I believe it’s defined by the number of children that take up space in your heart. The twins have made you a mother, and although you are not experiencing this world with them physically, the room that they take up within you makes you a mother all the same. You probably think about your twins every single day. I know I do. That’s the love of a mother. That is the heart of a mother. Do not feel excluded because of your loss.
So happy Mother's Day to you. You deserve to be celebrated today.
Love, a mom who understands
Carrie Wobensmith
About Carrie: Carrie is 27 years old and lives in Tampa, FL with her husband, David. She works in marketing for a technology company. In her free time, she's usually reading fun fiction books or watching HGTV.
Connect with Author: @carriewobensmith // carriemwobensmith.wordpress.com
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