March of Dimes gives this really helpful definition about grief: "Grief is all the feelings you have when someone close to you dies. You may find it hard to believe that your baby died. You may want to shout or scream or cry. You may want to blame someone. Or you may want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times, your feelings may seem more than you can handle. You may feel sad, depressed, angry or guilty. You may get sick easily with colds and stomach aches and have trouble concentrating. All of these are part of grief." 

You don't have to be afraid of grieving a certain way or not grieving a certain way. No feeling is “too much” or “not enough.” Everyone grieves differently, and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel as you’re feeling and know that those feelings may ebb and flow over time.

No, you did nothing wrong. While it can be tempting to play the “what if” game, the reality is that we cannot control life or death. Even if there is a “reason” for your loss, we are not the ones who can create life or number our days; we simply aren’t that powerful. If you’re wrestling with guilt or shame over this topic, we recommend you share honestly with someone you trust and/or a professional counselor or therapist to help you process why you’re feeling that way and to live by truth, instead.

You can choose to be as public or private with your baby’s diagnosis as feels comfortable to you. There are likely details of your baby’s diagnosis, life, and story that you will always keep close to your chest. It’s not always necessary or helpful for the world to know what happend with your baby. Many moms whose babies received a life-limiting diagnosis choose to share one main diagnosis but leave out many details. Others choose to not share exactly what the diagnosis is. There’s no right or wrong way to go about this. My encouragement to you is to remember that there are some things you cannot take back and there are some people who do not need to know every detail. So take comfort in protecting what you want to keep private, even from those who pry.

As far as sharing the news, if it’s too hard to say the words out loud, it can be helpful to send an email to your closest friends or family. Consider asking someone you trust to be your point person. When you receive more news or updates, you can share with them, who them passes along the information to other important people. They’re also someone you can point people to who have questions. Again, you don’t need to share every detail with everyone, but having a point person can help you get out information more efficiently and will help you receive the care you need through that person.

This is so hard, and so tender. When those we interact with see that we are pregnant but don’t know the whole story, whether they are strangers or friends, it can be so hard to know how to navigate it. Do you let them believe everything is going fine? Or do you drop a bomb that your baby won’t make it? There’s not one right answer across the board, but it’s okay to smile and nod, or to answer generically, without offering all the details. It’s okay if you cry in front of them and don’t explain why the tears. It’s okay if you get back in your car and let it all out. Having 1-2 back pocket answers can be helpful in these situations. If they ask when you’re due, you can be vague and not overshare. If they ask if you’re excited, it’s okay to just smile and nod. If they ask you more details you’re uncomfortable with, it’s okay to say, “Thank you for being excited for me” and excusing yourself from the conversation. If you do choose to share what your unborn baby is facing and they react uncomfortably, that’s okay, too. You don’t need to apologize. 

I’m so sorry you’re having to ask this question. It’s not how it should be, wondering how to prepare not only for birth but also for death at the same time. We have a few recommendations for you as you face this time. First, connect with a perinatal hospice and palliative care center and/or a birth & bereavement doula. Second, with their help or on your own create a birth plan for your baby. These two things will help you feel prepared as you advocate for yourself and your baby. Third, plan to make memories with your baby, no matter how much time you will have with him or her. 

This is such a tender question after your baby has received a life limiting diagnosis. As always, there’s no right or wrong answer. For some moms, having a non-traditional shower is a welcome celebration and for others it’s too painful. If this is something you think might be helpful here are some ways to make a non-traditional shower meaningful for you: Ask a trusted friend or family member to throw it for you and only invite those you feel most comfortable with. You don’t have to include everyone you normally would, especially those who may not understand why you want to have a celebration for your baby. Ask everyone to bring items to donate such as books with a sticker inside saying “this book is donated in memory of (baby’s name)” or diapers to go to a local pregnancy center. One mom in our community invited friends to bring a charm that was meaningful to them to build a special charm bracelet she could wear in honor of baby. You could make an art piece together that would be a keepsake for you in honor of your baby such as a mosaic. You could ask each guest to bring a written prayer or note to baby for a special keepsake guest book. You can spend time at the shower sharing a meal together, praying over you and/or baby, or doing anything else that feels meaningful to you. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or complicated, and remember, no matter what you choose to do regarding a shower does not dictate how much your baby’s life matters.

We asked hundreds of woman who have been where you are what they would recommend a mom bringing to the hospital for labor and delivery – we used their answers to create a comprehensive Hospital Bag Checklist to bring with you that will help to make you more comfortable and to give space for treasuring the moments you will have with your baby.