March of Dimes gives this really helpful definition about grief: "Grief is all the feelings you have when someone close to you dies. You may find it hard to believe that your baby died. You may want to shout or scream or cry. You may want to blame someone. Or you may want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times, your feelings may seem more than you can handle. You may feel sad, depressed, angry or guilty. You may get sick easily with colds and stomach aches and have trouble concentrating. All of these are part of grief." 

You don't have to be afraid of grieving a certain way or not grieving a certain way. No feeling is “too much” or “not enough.” Everyone grieves differently, and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel as you’re feeling and know that those feelings may ebb and flow over time.

Your baby’s life matters. No matter how short. Your baby has dignity & honor and is worthy to be celebrated. (Psalm 139:13-16) While sometimes it can feel like there’s a hierarchy to grief or suffering, there is no comparison. It doesn’t matter if you are the only person who knew you were pregnant, if you were only at x weeks, or whatever insecurities or shameful lies you’re hearing, your baby has inherent value and is loved beyond your imagination, and your grief is valid.

Depending on when in your 2nd trimester your loss occurred you may not have named your baby yet. Or maybe you were intentionally waiting until baby was born to decide on a name. Either way, this is up to you. Many people find it healing to name their baby or give them a nickname. Some choose to keep the name private and some choose to share it, but whatever you decide, there’s no right or wrong answer. Not naming or not sharing your baby’s name doesn’t mean you love him or her any less than someone who does.

No, you did nothing wrong. While it can be tempting to play the “what if” game, the reality is that we cannot control life or death. Even if there is a “reason” for your loss, we are not the ones who can create life or number our days; we simply aren’t that powerful. If you’re wrestling with guilt or shame over this topic, we recommend you share honestly with someone you trust and/or a professional counselor or therapist to help you process why you’re feeling that way and to live by truth, instead.

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This is a very sensitive topic for many moms and can take you by surprise. First, we want to say, again, we’re so sorry that you’re having to make these decisions. If or when your milk comes in, you have two options. You can choose to continue to allow lactation to occur by pumping your milk or you can dry up your milk supply with lactation suppression. We are not medical professionals, but from personal experience and talking with thousands of moms we know that there are various benefits to both options and no single right answer. We do recommend you consult with a medical professional and/or lactation consultant. Here is an article from La Leche League which explains both options a little bit more in depth and gives practical next steps for you. Here are also some brief suggestions gathered from our community.

For lactation suppression: Especially if you have already been producing milk, slowly space out pumping or expression to prevent a sudden loss of supply which can lead to complications like mastitis. There are natural methods of doing this. Many of the moms in our community have suggested CaboCreme and the PinkStork No Flow tea or vitamins as a helpful product in their journeys of suppression, but again, we recommend you speak with a medical professional about what is best for you.

For continuing lactation: Many women choose to pump their milk to be donated to a milk bank or family. There are physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits to this process including giving you space to escape, grieve, and physically do something in place of caring for your baby. In this article you can connect with a local milk bank in your area if that is a direction you want to go in. When you are ready to stop lactating, we recommend slowly spacing out how often you pump until your supply is gone. That can take about 2 weeks.