5 Ways to Love a Grieving Mom on Mother's Day | Episode 78
If you know and love a mama who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss. This episode is for you.
Whether you are a friend or a family member, if you know a mama who is grieving this episode is really important. Because while she may not tell you, the reality is she is hurting right now.
This weekend we celebrate mothers. And if you have never experienced the loss of a baby, it is impossible to fully understand the weight of what this day carries for the mom who has.
In this episode I want to talk about why Mother’s Day feels so incredibly hard for a grieving mom and give 5 simple ways that you, as her friend or as her family member, can remind her that she’s loved, she’s remembered, and her motherhood is seen and celebrated.
And if you are listening and you are the bereaved mama, there’s a few things I want you to know today too and I’ll share those later in the episode. But for now, we made a few special resources just for you to help as you walk through this weekend. You can find all those resources over at themorning.com/mothersday. Resources to remind you that you are a mother and that your motherhood is worth celebrating.
Also, would you consider sharing this episode in whatever way feels most natural, whether it's by texting it to a friend or sharing on your social media accounts? Doing so will help raise awareness about the realities of life after baby loss and it will help educate those who love hurting mamas about how to best love them on a weekend such as Mother’s Day.
Whether you are a grieving mama or you love a grieving mama, I am so glad you are here. I pray this episode is a blessing to you.
To most, Mother’s Day is an innocent holiday, a nearly benign day that feels lighthearted. A day we don’t put much thought or preparation or planning into until it arrives. There aren’t aisles of Mother’s Day decorations at Target months before the holiday actually arrives. But while this day feels nonchalant for most, there are many that anticipate it’s arrival long before the Mother’s Day cards are out or the gift guides start appearing because for them the day is heavy, wrought with the pain of what they have lost, of what they long for, of who is missing.
For these are women who have experienced the loss of a baby. And as they anticipate this day they are asking the question, will anyone remember? Will anyone recognize my motherhood?
She doesn’t know her place on a day like this. And she doesn’t want to disrupt the joy of another so she stays quiet, hiding away her desire for her motherhood to be recognized, her desire to be brought into the celebration, even her confusion over her place on a day like this, whether or not she belongs.
And because I love her and because I have been there and because I have personally seen the value of friends walking into these hard spaces and reminding me of truths, of recognizing the baby they never met or the baby they no longer see, I want to help you love her well during a difficult moment like Mother’s Day.
But before I share the simple ways that you can love her, I want to say thank you. Thank you for valuing your friendship. Thank you for investing in a friend when it isn’t comfortable, easy or maybe even reciprocal during this season of her life. Thank you for loving her and thinking about her, for praying and calling even when you don’t have the words and showing up even when it's inconvenient. Thank you for trying to understand this journey a bit better. Thank you for not ignoring her pain but diving into it. Thank you for being willing to sit in the muddy waters of grief with her. Thank you for being a safe place for her. I am so grateful she has you. Your friendship will forever be changed because of your willingness to dive into the sorrow with her. It will change in the best of ways, as it deepens and grows in a way you could have never imagined.
If you are listening and new to being a friend to someone who is grieving, know this -- she needs you. And it will be awkward and uncomfortable, you will say the wrong thing and so will she. It will be messy but it’s worth it. And the most valuable thing you can do is to show up. Consistently. For a long time. Grief over a baby lost is not a journey that is sprinted. This is a marathon. She will have good days and she will have bad days but she will need to keep asking for a long time. Birthdays matter. Due dates matter. Heavenly birthdays matter. Anniversaries matter. So write the dates down and reach out on those days. It will mean more to her than you ever know.
Again, I’m so grateful you are here and you are listening; I’m so grateful she has you.
Ok, so specifically as it relates to Mother’s Day, if you care about someone who has experienced baby loss, know this, the most valuable thing you could do for your friend is affirm her motherhood. Remind her that, while her motherhood may look differently than what she hoped it would or what yours looks like or what the normal picture is — she is a mother too. Remind her that she is loved and her baby is not forgotten.
When it comes to grief, we tend to make it more complicated than it needs to be. We get overwhelmed by a desire to do the perfect thing and that keeps us from doing anything at all. But this isn’t complicated. She just wants to know she isn't forgotten. That she is seen. That her motherhood is recognized. That someone remembers.
5 Ways to Love a Grieving Mom on Mother’s Day:
1. Give her a card.
You could drop it by her house or send it digitally. Our line of Mother’s Day Cards for grieving moms include both tangible cards and downloadable cards that you can use. You can find those here. Or in this season of social distancing you could leave her a driveway not. Chalk art her drive way with a ‘happy mother’s day” message or “you are loved” or even her baby’s name.
2. Send her flowers
or drop a bouquet off at her door. Even grocery store flowers feel really special when someone else buys them for you. Or if she’s the gardening type, dropping off some flowers or plants to be planted would be incredibly meaningful and give her something to do on this day and a reminder for many days to come that she is seen and loved.
3. Text her
"I love you. I know this day is hard. I remember with you. I'm praying.”
4. Drop off her favorite treat.
Maybe it's Starbucks. Maybe it’s chocolate. Maybe it’s chips and queso. Maybe it’s wine. Or maybe it’s all of the above. Dropping this off for her will give her permission to have her own little celebration as she enjoys the treat and that is such a gift.
5. Give her a mini spa day at home basket.
Fill the basket with goodies like bubble bath and face masks and candles. It doesn’t have to be expensive to be meaningful and it will go a long way at saying “You deserve to celebrate today too.”
For more ideas checkout this recent post. We listed out 10 ways that she can celebrate on her own — ideas that might spark a creative idea for you to do for her.
What real moms said
Some of my sweet friends in The Joyful Mourning Community told me what they wish someone would say to them or do for them on a day like Mother’s Day and I wanted to share a few of those with you.
Caitlyn said: I feel like people have forgotten my daughter so if someone just sent a random text saying like I’m thinking of you, we are sad she isn’t here with us, do you need anything? That would mean so much.
Sarah said: I find myself searching for Mother’s Day gifts for my mom and grandmothers + in-laws . And I can’t help but feel like everyone has forgotten I am supposed to be pregnant right now.
Samantha said: I think just having a friend say “can I do anything for you today” or continuing to say my daughter’s name! Not just saying “thinking of you” but instead saying “thinking of Abby and her sweet cheeks”
Rebekah said: One of my close friends ran to Starbucks and got me a drink and my 2 year old a treat as well and left me a note on my front porch... I kept the note on my fridge... with social distancing she couldn’t see me but in her small gesture of leaving it on my doorstep... I felt the love and kindness. It doesn’t have to be a big to do.. anything will help..... a text.. message.. a letter knowing you’re thinking of them... it means the world to know we aren’t forgotten.
Suzanne said: Can I take you to coffee ( after shelter in place) so you can tell me how you are feeling?
Mindy said: Drop of a random coffee or tasty treat just to know I am thought of. That I’m not as alone as I feel.
Lindsey said: I lost my son 4 months ago and I feel like some people avoid having to say anything to me at all. Honestly I’m sure it is because most people do not know what to say. People have asked me what he looked like and I loved being able to share that with them.
Danielle said: Even though I lost my son a year and a half ago, I wish someone would ask me to tell them all about him and show pictures of him.
Erin said: I cannot tell you how amazing it is to have friends just want to see his picture and know about him. I have lost a lot of friends during this season of grief, but I’ve also gained a lot of friendships that are unlike anything I’ve ever had because they may not understand but want to and choose to walk alongside me.
Emily said: "What are some of your favorite memories of your child/pregnancy?" Some of us don't have memories with our children outside the womb but there are parts of our pregnancies and the little time we had with our babies that bring us joy.
Kelly said: I wish people would ask me how am I feeling about mother's day coming up? Or saying "happy mother's day" to me on mother's day... publicly or privately.
I hope this helps as you hear that the most important thing a grieving mom wants is to be reminded that she isn’t forgotten. That her baby is remembered. We want to have the perfect words but it isn’t that complicated. Let her know you’re thinking about her and that will mean so much.
TO THE BEREAVED MAMA
And I would be remiss if I didn’t talk directly to our grieving moms as well. For some of you listening, you don’t have a close friend who has been willing to dive into the throes of grief with you. Maybe even your husband or partner doesn't really acknowledge your motherhood or ask you how you’re doing or say your baby’s name.
Maybe you feel more lonely and unseen today than you have ever felt before. And to you I want to say, no matter if you feel seen or not, the truth is, you are. You are known. You are loved. You are never alone. Because you have a Father in heaven who says He will never leave you. That He hears your cries. That He sees your tears. That you are loved. God’s nearness is one of the most comforting truths about His character.
Psalm 139:7-12 says: Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
And Isaiah 43:2 says: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
These verses remind us that He is always with me and He is always with you.
It means we are never alone.
It means that He doesn’t expect us to face the pain and the hurt and the brokenness on our own.
He has never left your side. He is with you in the fire and in the flood.
You are never, ever, ever alone friend. I pray you would know that truth deep in your soul.
YOUR MOTHERHOOD IS WORTH CELEBRATING
And one more thing I want to share with you mamas — On the blog this week we shared this post by Mary Margaret Powitz and I wanted to read an excerpt from it here for you:
“Here you are, days before Mother’s Day, wondering, will anybody remember? Will anyone celebrate my motherhood? Not just the one that they see, but the one that is only a memory, a picture, a dream?
They might. And they might not. But either way, isn’t your motherhood, no matter how it looks, worth celebrating — in its’ entirety? You may have only carried your child for a few days, or maybe 16 weeks, maybe 36, and maybe you even got to bring your baby home. However long you had with your child, they still lived, and you still loved them, and you are still a mother. Whether anyone else claims it to be true.
Which means, you don’t have to wait for anyone else to “do something.” Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be about what others do or don’t do, but about how you choose to celebrate your own story and value as a mom. We aren’t bound by other’s definitions or views, but can have confidence in who the Lord says we are and what we know we’ve experienced. Which means, we don’t have to rely on others to bring our motherhood value. What freedom this can bring! Not only to you but to others. When we let our friends and family off the hook and allow ourselves to be defined by the Lord, we can celebrate who He’s made us to be, our child’s mother, without setting ourselves up to be disappointed.
So this Mother’s Day, along with our Father in Heaven, we invite you to be kind, gentle, and loving toward yourself. We invite you to celebrate yourself and your motherhood. We do not have to wait for someone else to make plans, but can plan our own celebration, big or small. Whether it is a long bath, a big breakfast, or a new piece of jewelry, make a plan to treat yourself on this day of high emotions and great honor. God chose you to be your child’s mother. He saw you and said, “She will carry my child well.” That is worth celebrating. How will you choose to do it?”
So if you are a bereaved mama, I want you to know you are loved and not forgotten. That you are seen and remembered. That you are a mother. Happy Mother’s Day.
And to those listening who love a bereaved mama, thank you for loving her and mothering her in such a special way. You are a gift that she will treasure forever. Happy Mother’s Day to you as well.
