Honoring Your Baby After a Life-Limiting Diagnosis | A Non-Traditional Baby Shower
ARTICLE BY KRISTYN SZALA
When I received my son, Asher’s, life-limiting diagnosis, my initial response was to cancel everything. This included my baby shower. I canceled it out of anger, out of fear, out of sadness. It only took me one day of grieving that initial shock to realize that I desperately wanted to celebrate my son; that his life was worth celebrating.
I no longer wanted or needed a traditional baby shower, though. So instead, my friend and I crafted a baby blessing. Though my baby blessing happened during my pregnancy, this baby blessing is a celebration of life that can take place however and whenever you want it to: during pregnancy, your baby’s birthday, or the anniversary of their death. The traditional gathering of friends and family along with conversation and food was there, just like any real celebration, but we added our own unique tradition.
My husband gave me a silver chain and a silver bracelet. Each loved one then brought one charm, wrapped up, that they specially picked out for my necklace/bracelet. We all gathered in a circle and I took turns unwrapping each charm. We would pass it around while the giver of that gift explained why they chose that charm and what it meant. Some of the charms focused on motherhood, some on my friendship/relationship with the giver, some on my son, and some on beautiful symbols of faith and love. Each charm was threaded onto the necklace/bracelet until a gorgeous and meaningful piece was created. The significance of each charm was recorded in a book. Every time I wear this piece of jewelry, I am reminded of my son, but I am also reminded of all the love and support that surrounds me and all of the other people who love my son as well.
This tradition can also be done in different ways to suit the mother. My friends and family chose Pandora charms. This could also be opened up to any charm of any type, or specific colors, or themes. If jewelry is not for you, each person could contribute a work of art (sculpture, painting, photograph, etc) or each loved one could write a blessing in a keepsake book.
The most beautiful and integral part was the coming together to share love and support and thus creating a cherished memento symbolizing that you are not alone. Your baby is celebrated and honored and remembered.
A Note from The Morning:
For many women who have received a life-limiting diagnosis during pregnancy, the question of how to honor or celebrate their baby during the time they have with them is often accompanied by mixed emotions, additional grief, and uncertainty. Baby showers can be painful to consider, and while traditional showers, baby registries, and similar celebrations seem pointless, Not everyone wants a meaningful gathering in this way, but for those who do, there are ways to celebrate and honor her baby’s life in lieu of a traditional baby shower that provide space for the joy and the sorrow of all that .
If you are carrying a baby following a life-limiting diagnosis and wondering how to celebrate your baby’s life, please know that there are options for you that can still be meaningful even when carrying the tension of grief and sorrow alongside the joy and love for your baby’s life. In addition to what Kristyn shared above, we encourage you to listen to Lindsey Dennis’ story of how she celebrated her daughters’ lives in Episode 041 of The Joyful Mourning Podcast and/or read her book, Buried Dreams.
If you are wondering how to make memories with your baby while your baby is alive, or even after he/she dies, we encourage you to download our Life-Limiting Diagnosis Resource Bundle by clicking here. Inside you will find suggestions for making memories, hear stories from other women walking a similar journey, and other invaluable and helpful thoughts on what it means to navigate grief amidst a life-limiting diagnosis.
If you are a friend or family member of someone grieving, we encourage you to consider gently initiating a conversation about ways that you can support the grieving family in your life by asking if there are ways you can help them celebrate (with a non-traditional “shower”, for example) or honor their baby with them. They may not have an answer right away or may change their mind, but sometimes asking specific things like “I’d love to help you celebrate your baby’s life. How would you feel if I gathered together some friends for a time of prayer and a delicious meal to honor him/her?” can be more helpful than leaving it generic. Be willing to follow her lead, even if she says no. It may be too much for her right now, and that’s okay.
Lastly and most importantly: No matter what you do or don’t do for your baby as you anticipate or honor your baby’s death, please know that your baby’s life matters, is meaningful, and is invaluable. Your baby is loved and remembered every day no matter what you have the capacity for. Promise. xo, The Morning Team
About the Author: Kristyn
Kristyn Szala lives in Florida with her husband, Nick, and son, Brock. She has two children in heaven. Kristyn has been a member of The Morning Community since 2018.
Connect with Author: http://Facebook.com/AshersHope
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