Joy & Pain
(Originally Posted September 30, 2009)
"God has graciously allowed some of my fears to come true so I would discover I would not disintegrate." Beth MooreYesterday Aaron and I found out that we are having another boy. Our third son, Asher Nathaniel Proffitt. Asher means 'happy' in Hebrew (Genesis 30:13 - "Then Leah said, 'I am happy, for the daughters will call me blessed.' So she called his name Asher.") and Nathaniel means 'God's gift.'On the days leading to our ultrasound our friends and family kept asking me "are you so excited?" To be honest, I think I had begun to build this wall around my heart... guarding against what I presumed to be certain devastation. I know too much now... how life is uncertain and nothing is safe. Of course I prayed... I prayed like crazy... that God would bless us with another child who is healthy and beautiful and would one day become a powerful servant of God. But in my human weakness I had my doubts, so I built the wall and refused to think about, much less get excited about, the ultrasound.And yet, when yesterday came God showed His supreme grace. He gave Aaron and I a gift we did not deserve. A beautiful and very healthy little boy. The ultrasound tech kept saying how beautifully his little body was developing. She seemed to be in awe of his little spine and ribs and brain and heart... she just kept saying "he is so healthy." Aaron and I could not be more full of joy.How is it possible to feel such joy and pain at the same time? I imagine that Jesus felt that same feeling (on a much different level of course)... He knew He was hear to save us and bring the lost to salvation which, I am sure, brought Him such joy and yet at the same time He felt the physical pain of being beaten, tortured, crucified for us... and the pain of separation from His Father...My joy is now in feeling Asher Nathaniel grow in my womb and kick to his little heart's content. My joy is for the future and for all that God has planned for our family. My joy is in knowing that God has a great purpose for our children. My pain is in knowing that we will forever being missing Aaden. Our family truly is incomplete. My pain is in knowing that Asher will never know his big brother and that Andrew will never really remember him.Aaden's birthday is quickly approaching and my heart is filled with a turmoil of emotions... happiness, joy, excitement over the amazing things that God is doing in our lives... and severe longing for a little boy that should be here. I am still unsure as to how we should honor Aaden's birthday. I want our boys to grow up knowing they have another brother that lives in heaven. I want to be able to celebrate the day of his birth and his short life... however hard that may be.Over the next few weeks I will be posting memories Aaron and I have of Aaden and memories that some of you have sent to me.Memory of September 30, 2008 ::
My second nephew, Camden Isaiah, had just been born days before, Friday afternoon on September 26. After a hard pregnancy, Amy delivered a healthy little baby and now we were just waiting for Aaden to make his arrival. I was getting impatient and desperately wanted Camden and Aaden to be born only days apart...It was a Tuesday and we had a creative meeting that morning (6:30am to be exact.) I had a doctor's appointment right after. Dr. Whitten informed me that I was 3cm dilated and was sure that I would not make it to my next appointment the following week. Aaron and I were so excited. I filled the following days tying up loose ends on a gazillion projects and waited.... not so patiently.
