Pregnant!

(Originally Posted September 5, 2009)

Hi friends,It has been awhile. Two months to be exact. So much has happened over the past two months that I feel, once again, at a loss for words.First of all, God has been doing an amazing work here in Tampa. Our church, Aletheia, launched it's first Sunday night service on August 23. God brought 56 people that first night and we are in constant awe of how He provides and builds on a daily basis. We have seen so many people accept the saving faith of Jesus... and through His work in us we are reminded of what a blessing it is to serve our Savior.Second, the Proffitt family has been crazy busy with not only ministry but fun family stuff as well. We have played hostess to some 28 different people since we moved here 5 months ago. We even had a housemate all summer... Erica, we miss you. We were able to take a trip to Indiana to visit with Aaron's family. We had so much fun... my favorite part? The entire family cramming into one house. So fun. We stayed up late, we talked on the porch in the mornings with our coffee... it was a nice break from our crazy lives here. A few weeks later my mom, stepdad, granny, and Aunt Martha came to visit us. We took them to the beach for a day and then went on the search for a seafood place... and we found the cutest little Greek village (seriously, it was as if an entire village in Greece was transported to Florida). Soon after their fun visit, we were able to take our first family vacation, just the three of us. Bill and Cindy Evans (thank you!) gave us plane tickets and we had decided back in February that we would love to go visit California, where Aaron is from. We were able to stay with Aaron's best friend Sage, his wife Manni, and their sweet little one, Zoe. We had a blast... going everywhere that Aaron could think to show me. We even visited the house he grew up in. We spent a fun day in San Diego. And the best part was that we were able to spend real quality time with amazing friends. And only a few short days after we got back from California we held our first service. Needless to say, we were busy and have been since.Amidst all the craziness of the past few months, we received big news: we are pregnant!I told Aaron the day before Father's Day. I took the pregnancy test that morning and waited all day for our date later that night to tell him. I gave him a card telling him what an amazing father and husband that he is... I signed the card AP x 5 (Aaron, Ashlee, Andrew, Aaden & baby AP). It was a beautiful moment I will never forget as he teared up from such overwhelming joy. I love that God allowed me to give him such a special gift.So... that's all. I just covered the entire couple of months... except minor details of course.But in reality, there is always a lot more than even a list of that magnitude can cover. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that run through my head constantly. So many of you have written or called to check and see how I am doing. Thank you... I apologize if I seemingly brush off your questions about how I am doing. I always think I am doing ok, until someone asks... and then I can barely hold back the tears... if I can even hold them back.I am so joyful for the gift of this baby but I am afraid. I even waited to go to the doctor until I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I knew how hard it would be. I was right. I had to answer a million questions about each pregnancy and each child. I had to relive Aaden's birth, life, and death three times the morning of my first doctor's appointment. So, I am afraid... of so many things really. I am afraid of reoccurring emotional pain. I am afraid of not knowing the future. I am afraid of not getting the opportunity to know this child. I am afraid of this little baby not being healthy. I am afraid of forgetting Aaden. If you are a mom, you understand what fear feels like... but after you lose a child the fear is subsequently multiplied.And though I am so very thankful for this baby, our third child, and though I am joyful at the opportunity to hold another baby in my womb... I am still overwhelmed by grief. I miss my little boy who I barely got to know.For the past week or so, many of my friends and family have made mention of their excitement for the approaching fall. I, however, am not ready for fall. I am not ready for October 8. I am not ready for November 15... when Aaden's death will no longer be marked by months but by years... how is it possible that he died almost a year ago? How is that possible? My pain is so much that I cannot stop the tears... it feels like yesterday.I ask for your prayers as Aaron and I embark upon something that no parent should ever have to embark upon: what would have been their child's first birthday and the anniversary of his death.....I love you all. I am grateful that you are faithful friends... that you are not afraid to weep with me, laugh with me, and pray for me.