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Honest and helpful words of wisdom about returning to the workplace from women who have experienced the loss of a baby.

Taylor: Breathe! I struggle with this. I get so worked up and overwhelmed that I forget to take a step back and take a deep breath.

Caitlin: Be honest with your manager. Also give yourself grace to struggle with your emotions and your job responsibilities.

Lori: Having just returned to work, the best thing I can say is: it’s ok to not be able to give 100% everyday.

Anna: Talk to your manager and let them know what you need/what you don’t need. I asked my manager to please ask everyone to not ask me about it during work hours. Everyone was super understanding. Everyone gave me cards that I could take home and read. Eventually I was able to talk about it but on my own terms.

Amy: I wrote an email to my co-workers that was helpful as I returned. I told them it was okay to ask or talk about what had happened. My co-workers still didn’t ask or talk about it when I returned and it was difficult that they didn’t acknowledge it. But over time I got more comfortable bringing it up myself and saying what I needed.

Jessica: Remember that you are still going to have triggers; you will need to take time to step back and breath.

Solomiya: I liked having a “ blanket statement.” For Example I would tell my patients: “Yes I was gone a while. Yes I had my twins they passed Away, I’m happy to be back at work and healthy.”

Katie: If you need a breather, it’s okay. Step away for a minute to collect yourself and push forward. Give yourself grace. Give OTHERS grace and always remember: they mean well. People will say stupid stuff. They mean well.

Meg: Your capacity has changed but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In some ways it's probably lower, but in some ways it's gotten higher. (A personal example to explain what I mean: I had a lower capacity to engage in conflict resolution at work, but I had a higher capacity to do work behind the scenes or from home when I needed to. I had a lower capacity for travel but a higher capacity for empathy and compassion for others.)

Katie: Recognize that it might be different than you expect! It might be okay at first and then harder a few weeks or months later.

Fernanda: Talk to your manager and if you manage a team choose the team member you are closest with and explain what you think may help or not so they can let others know.

Beth: People will be awkward, they will feel uncomfortable about it and most will just try to act like nothing happened. Try not to let that destroy you. I have struggled with so much hurt by people ignoring my pain. Try to remember that if you haven't walked this path it is hard for people to know how to respond. The problem isn't you, there is nothing wrong with you.

Rachel: My boss/team let me do half days my first week back. It was helpful to be able to practice going through the motions. It helped me build back up my emotional stamina to make it through an entire work day.

Robyn: I talked with my favorite coworker beforehand and asked her to tell everyone that yes, they could hug me when I came in, but I did not want to talk about it at work and I didn’t want to be asked how I was feeling all the time.

Melanie: I talked with my boss (who was amazingly accommodating) to see if I could come in a few minutes late and leave a few minutes early. I wasn’t ready to interact the first couple of weeks.

Molly: Prepare and practice what you will say when people ask about your pregnancy or baby. I didn’t do this and wasn’t prepared.

Lizzie: I think it’s safe to say you’re going to feel overwhelmed at times. I love the podcast that explained that for a mom grieving after loss, your capacity is going to be lower. Set realistic goals, and be open with at least one person in the office about how you are doing.

Morgan: Give yourself grace and modify your work day to give yourself the self-care you need. It can be so hard going back. I had to see a lot of pregnant women at work and hear a lot about other families. That was really hard. My husband and I also worked with a loss counselor who helped us navigate some of these challenges that I kept pretty private.

Erin: Take it one day at a time. Give yourself grace when you feel overwhelmed. Know when it’s okay to say “it’s okay I can talk about it” or even “no I’d rather not talk about it right now.” Find someone you trust at work who you can rely on to allow you to just have a bad day or moment with them and will support you throughout. Understand not all people will be polite and will ask unnecessary questions. You will see whispers behind your back. And that’s okay too. Smile and know your baby (or babies) are giving you strength to continue on your journey to heaven to seeing them again. One day at a time.

Justine: It was helpful for me to look at the month ahead and take note of harder days, the monthly milestones and significant days. For me the days leading up to those dates are often filled with anxiety and grief. Being aware of those upcoming battles helps me to feel that my grief and baby matter. To fill up my cup during those times by focusing Gods promises so I can continue to be an effective team member and to serve others to the best of my ability while grieving

Kimberly: Ask a colleague to share information with people before your return, specifically how you want people to approach the subject. This takes some of the burden off of you, and removes some of the anxiety of what people may say. Acknowledge that there may be triggers throughout your place of work (I didn’t realize how upset one bathroom in particular would make me). Give yourself grace.

Taylor: Six weeks after my baby was stillborn, my first day back at work I literally spent three hours attempting to respond to one email (though it did include a lot of catching up). I remember thinking, “how am I ever going to get back to ‘normal.’” Over the course of several weeks, day by day, it got easier. It helped that I communicated openly about it with my boss and coworkers, who were extremely supportive and understanding, even when there were days where I had to go home early because the grief was too heavy or when I just didn’t come into work at all.

Stephanie: The hardest part for me was never knowing when the tears would come or what might trigger them. So having warm tea with me was helpful (if that’s comforting to you.) And then having an “out” plan - a prepped reason to excuse myself from any situation/meeting if I needed to go to a private place and cry or just breath. And maybe wear waterproof makeup if you’re a makeup person.

Saul’s Light: My advice would be to send an email explaining the situation to the supervisor so perhaps they can address it with other employees before your return to work. That email can say that a loss occurred and this is what you feel comfortable or not talking about with others.

Alexandria: Allow yourself plenty of time before going back. I returned to work 6 weeks after losing my son, because I began feeling so much “guilt” and thought people would think I was not being strong if I took more time. Obviously this couldn’t be more wrong, and looking back, it definitely was way too soon. My stress and anxiety reached an all time high because of it- the opposite of what I needed, when my heart was already shattered. Work will always be there- there’s absolutely no need to pressure yourself into returning quickly! See if you can return at part time for a couple weeks, then ease back into your normal hours.

Courtney: In the times when people say the absolute wrong thing, try your best to see the intention behind it.

Ashley: Give yourself grace. You are not the same person you were and it takes time to adjust!