3 Truths When You Don’t Feel Like a Mom This Mother’s Day
by Meg Walker
We get it. Mother’s Day when your arms are empty, when you haven’t seen a positive test again after carrying a life, when you keep saying goodbye after filling with hope to bring this baby home again… it’s hard.
Are you a mom? Or are you not?
And - what does everyone else have to say about that?
We aren’t here to tell you some sort of formula for how to feel this Mother’s Day, but we are here to say: we know how complicated grief can be and how hard this holiday, in particular, is for those of us who have lost babies. And we want to remind you of three things that are true for you this season - whether or not you feel like a mom.
1. You have worth, value, and dignity, no matter what anyone else has to say about it.
No matter your title, no matter your status, no matter who and what you can claim on your taxes, you were created in the image of God who gives you an identity just because you’re his. God knows the number of hairs on your head just as much as he knows the number of stars in the sky and the number of grains in the sand. He also numbers our days - and while we may never understand the reasons why some of us have greater numbers than others, we can rest in knowing that he counts them, he keeps us in them, and he’s with us during them.
Regardless of the title you choose to give yourself this Mother’s Day, regardless of the numbers of children in your family photos, regardless of if you’re having another baby again or if you’re not, your identity comes from the fact that you were created in God’s image, and treasured by him. No matter your job description, you are valuable.
2. Your baby’s life matters immensely.
I don’t know your baby’s story - how long you knew about them, how long you held them, or any of the intricacies of their tiny hands and the way they made you crave that one thing. But even still, I can confidently say this: your baby matters. Your baby - the tiniest bits of you that you may never have gotten to hold - has the same value and worth as an image bearer of God that you do. Your baby has dignity, value, and still is deeply loved.
As Jesus wept for his friends’ loss in John 11, I imagine he does the same thing for each of us - as we weep, he stays with us, acknowledging that this grief symbolizes the great love that you had for your baby - and that he has even more. The world may look at your loss as a statistic, as something that they want to pretend was never valuable enough to count for anything, as anything that they choose. But even still: your baby’s life - no matter how small - is eternally significant - to you, and to the God who created them.
3. Your baby is not forgotten.
As grieving moms, especially on a day like Mother’s Day, it’s easy to wonder if anyone notices us. Do they notice that our arms are emptier than they should be? Do they see what we see when they look at our families - that there are more in our heart than in our family photos? Do they see the pain that we feel when we walk into church or into brunch and we hide the tears with our smiles? Will they remember…?
We can’t make promises on whether or not every person you’ve ever met will remember your child’s name or the special anniversaries that are etched into your memory - even your own spouse might forget from time to time. What we can promise is this: you will never forget your baby. But you aren’t the only one. On this Mother’s Day, take heart in that even if no one else remembers your baby, God remembers with you - and he sees you. He collects your tears in a bottle. And your baby is not forgotten.
This Mother’s Day, be kind to yourself. Remember that you are walking through pain that you’d never wish on another. Give yourself the space that you might need to step back from social media and the photos of everyone’s family or their personal celebrations. Say no to that brunch if you don’t feel up to it and yes if you do. Or choose to spend time remembering all of the beautiful things that your baby has brought into your life.
No matter how you acknowledge this day, we want you to know that you are loved and you are not alone this Mother’s Day - because you matter, your baby matters, and your baby will never be forgotten.
Mother’s Day Resources
for the bereaved mother