Less than 2 weeks after my son died we walked through our first holiday without him. This new reality of life and loss and navigating grief was in its infancy and I was desperately clinging to my old “normal.” I was making decisions as if my entire world had not just been flipped on its head. Because “normal” felt like an anchor that would keep us steady and safe and afloat. I fought against the new normal of being the grieving mom, the woman who had buried a son, the sad girl. So in a world that suddenly felt as if it was spinning wildly out of control, making decisions based on what should be, what was expected and what felt “normal” gave the illusion of control.

But nothing about our life was normal anymore.

We weren’t even living in our own home because I couldn’t go back to a place that reeked of death. That first Thanksgiving, just shy of two weeks after my son died, was incredibly difficult. I so badly wanted a “normal” Thanksgiving, one without the pain or the pity, one without the stares or awkward silences or elephant in the room that was me and our horrific loss.

I remember standing in the middle of my parent’s kitchen watching cousins and aunts and grandparents with their loud and lively conversations happen around all me as if I were on the outside looking in at something I used to know and live and understand but suddenly feeling like I would never be able to partake in again — wondering if I would feel this way forever.

Whether this should be baby’s first Thanksgiving and first Christmas or whether you had imagined yourself with a growing belly or announcing your pregnancy — this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. And I’m so sorry.

I wish I could look you in the eyes and gently whisper to you: “I see you. I know how deeply your heart is aching. I know how badly you just want to be celebrating the way you had always imagined, how badly you want a “normal” holiday, one where the only anxious thoughts are what gifts to buy and how you ate too much turkey. I know how badly you want normal right now, the pre-loss, pre-grief version of your life, the simple version where things made sense and celebration came easy — I know how much you want your baby. I know all of those feelings because I’ve been there and what I’ve learned since in the years since that first thanksgiving without my son is that what you need most right now is the grace and space to grieve. I want to share a few thoughts on what that grace amidst grief might look like for you through the upcoming holiday season.

GRACE TO GRIEVE DURING THE HOLIDAYS

01. Acknowledge that it will be hard.

Chasing “normal”, like I did that first thanksgiving after my son died, doesn't give room, the space or grace or freedom to acknowledge that it will be hard. It pretends that nothing has changed, that you are same, that someone isn’t missing, that your heart isn’t broken.

Friend, everything has changed, someone is missing, your heart is broken. Of course it will be hard. And pretending that it isn’t, making decisions and plans based off of the old normal will not make it easier. And maybe not all of it will feel hard, I am the biggest believer that there is always joy and hope to be found but when your heart is broken, no amount of turkey or stuffing or Christmas carols or gifts or traditions will fix that.

What will help is acknowledging your loss, acknowledging your brokenness and your heartache and that will give you the freedom to feel the pain and not be afraid of it, to not chase what should have been but to grieve it. I think in doing so you will find that there will be moments of joy and they will surprise you in the sweetest way because they will be real and honest, not fabricated or forced.

Acknowledging that this year is different, that this year is hard, that you don’t quite feel thankful at Thanksgiving or very merry at Christmas does not mean that you will feel this way every year. It won’t always feel this way, so feel the freedom to grieve in an honest authentic way.

I have also found that simply by acknowledging that this holiday season is different, that you are grieving, that someone is missing, that your heart is aching will also help you to set more realistic expectations —which moves us to number 2.

**02. Acknowledge expectations. Determine what would be most helpful and most meaningful to you.**

Expectations are probably the number one difficulty of Holidays. Whether we feel them from ourselves, or others, they are there, and likely impacting our decision making. At least that was what I based my decisions off of that first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my son. I said to myself, “they expect me to be there. I’ve always been there. I can’t imagine not being there. They will be so disappointed in me. What will they think of me if I don’t go?”

Doing what you’ve always done for the holidays may not be what’s best this year. Maybe you need to be with close extended family or maybe you need time with just your immediate family. Maybe you need to stay home or maybe you need to get out of town. Either way, think and pray through that decision. Do your best to make this decision intentionally about what would best serve you right now amidst your grief. Making decisions to try and make everyone else happy doesn’t actually serve others in this situation. It will only build resentment and bitterness in your heart during this season. And I’m certain that those you are trying to please want nothing more than for you to find meaningful peace and joy when walking through this grief.

Use the Holiday Workbook & Resource Bundle (linked below) to work through these questions:

What Expectations do you have for yourself?
What Expectations do you sense or know that others have for you?

For me, making decisions or plans often felt paralyzing so I would just do what I had always done or what was decided for me. I encourage you to spend time working through those questions I mentioned and then ask yourself: “What would I rather do? How do I want to spend the holidays? What feels helpful and right to me in this season? What do I long to do?”

It would also be helpful to discuss with your spouse what their expectations are and what they sense others are expecting of them and then ask what feels helpful? There may need to be some compromise here but communicating through these questions gives you the time and space to work out a compromise where necessary versus just making an impulsive decision that might be hurtful to each other.

I would also suggest writing all this down in that Holiday Workbook and Resource Bundle because if you are like me, grief made me forgetful and I would keep rehashing the same conversation over and over asking — “what did we decide about that?” Writing your decision down will eliminate the need to keep making the same decision over and over. And it gets it out of your head so it becomes one less thing to think about.

I just want to reiterate that you have the freedom to make decisions about how you want to spend the holiday season based on what feels helpful to you, not based on what others expect of you. Anyone who loves you wants peace and joy and healing for you. And remember sometimes the expectations we are trying to meet are expectations we are putting on ourselves, maybe based on who we were prior to our loss. That just isn’t realistic or helpful.

Give yourself grace to be who you are right now — remember it won’t always feel this way, there is no need to hurry or rush your grief process. Feel the freedom to not do the things that aren’t life-giving and healing to you this holiday season. Feel the freedom to do nothing at all this year. It’s ok to not buy gifts or put up a tree. It’s ok to skip out on Thanksgiving dinner. It’s ok. I promise.

So what will you say no to this year? What will you say yes to?

03. Give yourself the grace to change your mind. Or to do nothing at all.

You may not know what is most helpful or most meaningful until you are in the middle of what is not helpful or meaningful. Give yourself the grace to say “this isn’t working, I need to go home now” or “I thought I wanted to be alone but I think I really need to be with my family.” No one can read your mind, not even your spouse, so say it aloud, with grace, and then feel the freedom to change the plans.

That was me, I had no idea that being with all those people, people i loved dearly, would be so painful that first thanksgiving, until i was standing in the middle of it. I wish I had had the wherewithal to grab my husband’s hand and say, ‘get me outta here.’ Instead I force grinned and small-talked for hours on end.

What I thought I wanted wasn’t what I needed and I want you to hear me say that if that happens to you, it’s ok for you to change course, to make a different plan in the moment. Grief is difficult to navigate and its ways are unexpected — feel the freedom and grace to change your mind, to potentially disappoint people. It’s ok and it won’t always be this hard or challenging or unnerving.

04. Communicate how you are feeling and what might feel helpful.

Feel the freedom to invite those around you into the pain. We often shy away from communicating the pain or overwhelm simply because we don’t want another to feel that grief, but the truth is those around us who love us are hurting too and they want to know how you are doing and how they can help, so invite them in. And as difficult as this is, they are often waiting and taking their cues from us as to how to talk to us about our loss.

It’s ok and helpful for you to say “i don’t feel very thankful this thanksgiving.” or “i don’t feel very merry this christmas.” or “I miss my son.”

If there is a tradition you would like to start, communicate that, say it out loud. If there is something special you would like to do to honor your baby(s) tell someone trusted. Vocalize what you need, what feels helpful, how you are honestly doing. You are not an imposition. You are not an inconvenience or a burden.

On that note, it’s ok to be ok and to communicate that too. I remember feeling guilty if i wasn’t sad all the time, as if i was doing something wrong or wasn’t loving my son anymore or as if i had forgotten him or longed for him less. The truth is is that grief isn’t always tears and deep deep sadness, there are beautiful moments of joy and unexplainable moments of peace. It’s ok to say “i’m doing ok today, thank you for asking. Would you continue to pray for me though and keep asking because the holidays are tricky and often difficult to navigate right now?”

05. Acknowledge triggers, plan ahead, name a safe space and/or person.

Throughout the holidays there are so many things that can trigger our grief. We can’t always identify every potential trigger, but the anticipation of them is often worse than the trigger itself. It can cause anxiety and fear. We can’t prepare for every one, but having a plan can alleviate anxiety.

Use the Holiday Workbook & Resource Bundle (linked below) to work through the following questions:

What events, traditions, or images may be triggering for you?
Looking over your list, can any of these triggers be avoided?
If not, how can you give yourself space or care when these triggers arrive. Be as specific as possible for your situation.

A few ideas for handing triggers throughout the holidays:

Take a social media or TV fast. Commercials and ads can be really hard during this season and the very nature of both social media and tv is that both can be unexpected and take you off guard.
Christmas Cards can be potentially painful. You could ask a friend or neighbor to collect your mail, sort through it and return the important things to avoid Christmas Cards.
Take two cars to events so you or your spouse can leave early.
Go for a walk.
Sneak away for a nap.
Journal
Before going to a larger gathering, think about who will be there and who could be your “safe person.” Let them know that they are your safe person and that you may need them to cover for you or check in on you or help you escape an uncomfortable situation. Stay close to that person — remember you are not a burden or an inconvenience.
Before going to a gathering, think of a ‘safe place’ that you can go to just take deep a breath. Tell your spouse or safe person that if you’re missing that’s where you will be. Feel free to escape there often if that’s helpful.
When seeing someone, say “It’s good to see you” instead of “ How are you?”