What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Beth Oldham
A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.
Tell us about your loss
I had a very early miscarriage at 5 weeks with my second pregnancy. The strange thing is that I did not have medical proof. But just like with my first pregnancy several years before, I knew right away, deep in my soul, that I was carrying a new tiny life. Even in the face of a negative test, I knew the way a mother knows. And then I was 5 days late, which had literally not happened in the last 10 years except with my first pregnancy. So I was going to test again, and I knew with all my heart that it would be positive. And then I suddenly started bleeding heavily, and it was different than a regular cycle for me. And I just knew.
The next day we were at church, and I was feeling raw and vulnerable, and I just had the clearest picture of a baby girl laughing, being held in the arms of God. It was the most profound spiritual experience I'd ever had, before or since. We named her Harper.
What surprised you about grief?
I am a social worker and have worked very closely with people who are grieving, so I know a lot about grief from an academic standpoint, and some from personal experience of other close family or friends who have died. But mother grief is so different because it's so against the way things are supposed to go. One thing that really surprised me was that, even though I knew better, I felt discomfort and shame about sharing my loss publicly. But when I did, so many friends and family members reached out to me to share their experiences as well. It was both comforting and heartbreaking to see how many of us in this club were suffering in silence.
What does motherhood mean to you?
Motherhood means so many things to me, as an adopted child who has a close relationship with my birthmother and my adoptive mother, and now I have a rainbow baby as well. Motherhood is the hardest, best thing I have ever done. It is watching my whole heart walk around outside my body. Mother-love is a refining fire, and I think God may be the only force that is stronger.
What challenges do you find in being a mom?
It is so hard to balance a consuming instinct to protect my children from evil and pain, with the knowledge that I can't protect them from everything but I can prepare them. It is both challenging and rewarding to speak life and love into my children with everything I say and do.
What are some joys you experience in motherhood?
One of the most joyful things is listening to my 4 year old talk about Jesus in her heart! The innocent faith of a child is the purest thing. I love my arms being the safe place for my toddler and baby.
What does being a mom teach you about yourself?
That I have the capacity to do what seems impossible--I can survive on 30 minutes of sleep; I can change a blowout diaper in the back of the car without getting it anywhere and without getting totally grossed out; I can pour into my spouse, my children, and myself.
What does being a mom teach you about God?
I've been reflecting a lot since my miscarriage about the tender mother-love of God. That love is evident all throughout Scripture, and I wish that it was spoken more about in the church! If God loves me even more than I love my husband and children, what a love that must be. I cannot fathom.
What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?
No one wants to be in this club. But fellow loss mamas are some of the most kind, loving, supportive people I have ever known. You will be embraced in this community. This pain does not go away. But day by day, little by little, it becomes less heavy to bear--and your fellow loss mamas are here to help you bear it.
