What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Erin Dougherty
A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.
Tell us about your loss
We lost Millie Bonheur May 30, 2019 due to stillbirth - the umbilical cord had been wrapped around her three times. Everything about this pregnancy had been easy - never a worry or care until on the 29th when I realized I hadn't felt her move recently. We went in, the nurses and doctors confirmed news that I never imagined possible, and we proceeded to induce labor. She was my third pregnancy, our second daughter. I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, then we had our daughter, Mon Cœur in 2017, Millie in 2019, and we had Mon Amour in 2020 after waiting three months after Millie to try again, and then trying for seven months.
What surprised you about grief?
We had lost my father that same year, in February, to lung cancer. I was so surprised at how grief can manifest so differently...We expected his final days - although there was grief, we knew he was no longer in pain and he was in a better place. Millie gave me hope, and we looked forward to her birth. But when we received the news about her stillbirth, it's like the world stopped completely. I was in shock, then denial (This is all a nightmare), I played "What if?" in my mind for way too long. Anger and acceptance I bounced between for a while, and now mostly I am accepting of our reality.
Also, although I was grieving, I also felt so very stubborn. Stubborn that this is not where our story ended - that we would grow stronger, that I would get pregnant again, that this would not define us as a family.
I was so glad that many of the nurses and support emphatically and clearly explained that I would experience my grief differently than my husband. This has been so true...
How has grief impacted your everyday life?
My husband had the most wonderful idea to honor and remember Millie - through a butterfly garden. So I have been able through the last year and a half to channel my grief into creating a beautiful space where we go to be in nature. Unless we have horrible weather, we are out there everyday for a period of time at least twice a day.
I have been documenting the progress of our garden on my blog - the latest one is here: mamansmonde.com/2021/04/12/maintenance-projects-in-millies-garden/
How has your loss shaped your motherhood?
Honest communication: We were very upfront with MC about what had happened to Millie. MC has a very clear picture of what death is in her first three and a half years (we lost Millie, my father, grandfather, our cat, and several chickens), and we never tried to shield her. We thought it was important to be honest with her and answer questions as she has them.
Anxiety: It definitely made me a more anxious, more aware mother. Initially, I felt that I had let MC down by not being able to bring Millie home. While I was pregnant with Mon Amour, I had lots of questions, and always did kick counts. When MA arrived into this world, I was so jumpy about every little thing.
What challenges do you find in being a mom?
Patience. Sometimes having the patience - trying to understand and say the right thing.
Finding a balance between work and play, doing for the kids and letting them build independence, and taking time for me and building their capacity to take time for themselves.
What are some joys you experience in motherhood?
The little things - my oldest (she's Mon Cœur on my blog) says the smartest little things. I write them down so I don't forget. Snugs, hugs, and kisses. Moments when I hear "I love you" out of nowhere, just because. I especially love moments when we are together making art or cooking when MC and I are just talking. I love rediscovering the world through her eyes and her observations.
My baby (Mon Amour on my blog) is not quite 6 months. He's just discovered his tongue, so he likes to stick it out, and burble and gurgle. He's so expressive right now even though he has no words, and I love to just sit and listen to his sighs, squeals, laughs, and babbling.
What does being a mom teach you about yourself?
It teaches me my limits, my priorities, and how to ask for help. There is so much that I want to do with them - but we can't do it all, and they're only three and a half and five months, for goodness sakes. And trying to do and be so much for them - it can burn you out. So I'm learning to ask for help. And I am learning what's really important.
What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?
Take your life in the bite-size chunks that work for you - by the minute, by the hour, by the day and give yourself the grace to take the time for you. In my first few days post loss, I was taking my life minute by minute. I was able to build up over time to manage larger chunks, and there were still times when I would be overwhelmed that I scaled back and gave myself the grace to take life minute by minute.
Enjoy the little things and find something to be grateful for each day. I kept a journal to note my gratefulness. If I was looking for the good everyday, I always found it, and I needed to look for something positive.
Lean in to your support group - our village got us through. We were so blessed by the doctors, hospital staff, etc who were looking out for us and suggested support groups and counseling, both of which we tried for a while. Some things worked better for me, other things worked better for my husband, but we tried it together at least.
