What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Maci Johnson
A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.
Tell us about your loss
One traumatic 11 week miscarriage
One 8 week miscarriage
What surprised you about grief?
How it ebbs and flows, that sometimes you can be happy and sad at the same time. I remember feeling so guilty the first time I laughed after my first loss.
What does motherhood mean to you?
Motherhood to me means loving someone with basically your whole heaRt that you love no matter where they are.
How has grief impacted your everyday life?
It reminds me of how precious life is and how I need to enjoy the moments we have.
Holidays have a different meaning and difficulty.
How has your loss shaped your motherhood?
It’s made me long for heaven to see my babies, that no matter what trials come I have Jesus with me. That I can and will survive the parts where it seems like it won’t end.
What challenges do you find in being a mom?
I wish I knew my babies genders, after having my son it made me wish I could see my others grow, how there’s really no time off and when you go anywhere you have to plan.
How much I can’t do on my own.
What are some joys you experience in motherhood?
All the baby snuggles, the kisses, the joy of my son running to my arms to give me a hug, how he only falls asleep on me, the fresh clean baby smell after bath time. Seeing my husband interact with our son and how majority of his mannerisms are son has. Seeing bits and pieces of myself in my son.
What does being a mom teach you about yourself?
How much my heart has grown with love for each of my babies. That I am a disorganized person and having a baby has made me have to be more organized.
What does being a mom teach you about God?
That he is sovereign over all. One day all will be made right. He is with me through everything, no matter how terrible life may seem.
Isaiah says that He will gently lead those with young and I cling to that even in the midst of late night feedings and sleepless nights of grief.
What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?
Pray. Give your broken heart and all those thoughts that are running through your head to God. Even if that means screaming and crying out to Him. He does hear you. He loves you. His steadfast love will meet you where you are. He will uphold you, your hope is secure in Him.
Grief will get easier as time goes on but your baby or babies will never be forgotten.
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