What is Motherhood After Loss | Q&A with Katie Mefford
A SPECIAL SERIES ABOUT WHAT MOTHERHOOD MEANS TO THE MOM WHO HAS EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS.
Tell us about your loss
At 21 weeks gestation, we got the devastating news that our boy, Ollie James, no longer had a heartbeat. We delivered him into the world two days later and spent a little less than 72 hours in the hospital memorizing every little detail of his beautiful face, counting his fingers & toes and squeezing in a lifetime of love. Leaving the hospital with empty arms was the hardest thing either of us has ever done but the peace that God has given us truly does surpass all understanding.
For the longer story, www.happilyevermefford.com
What surprised you about grief?
Honestly, how all-consuming it was. There were days, especially early on, that I would literally fall to my knees consumed by it. Never before had I experienced a loss that rendered me completely broken and unable to move. Learning that the world kept moving even when mine had come to a screeching halt was so hard.
What does motherhood mean to you?
Motherhood is love that transcends this life. My son’s life ended but my love for him did not. My love for him reaches past this life and into the next.
How has grief impacted your everyday life?
Learning to carry both grief and joy has probably been the way it’s impacted my life most. The days where I’ve been so excited for friends who get their rainbows or long awaited babies then gone home to collapse into tears....they’ve taught me that there’s space for both in this journey. I can be happy for others, happy about other things in my own life, and still absolutely heartbroken in my grief. They aren’t mutually exclusive.
How has your loss shaped your motherhood?
Loss is the only motherhood I know. It’s taken what I thought becoming a mom would look like and flipped it on it’s head.
What challenges do you find in being a mom?
Learning to love my son and honor him beyond the grave was hard for me and still is. All my motherly instincts of wanting to protect him and mother him had to be channeled into a gravesite and things we do in memory of him. At times, it’s challenging because in order to mother him beyond the grave, I have to also acknowledge the sadness that he’s not here.
What are some joys you experience in motherhood?
Honesty, decorating his headstone for different seasons and holidays. It seems silly but it brings me joy to include him in the festivities.
What does being a mom teach you about yourself?
That I am so much stronger than I ever thought. If you’d told me I’d walk through this grief and live to tell about it...I would’ve laughed in your face. On the days I thought that survey my heart was breaking in two and I wouldn’t make it to see the next day, I mustered the strength to keep moving forward. Sometimes at a snails pace, but I got there.
What does being a mom teach you about God?
Phew. I feel like God and I could write a book on this one. I think more than anything, I’ve learned about the character of God through this. That He is good and only wants good for me. That he never changes and is a constant steady spot to land in the waves of grief. That He can handle my anger, my hurt and my tears....and that He cherished them.
What encouragement do you have for other moms in the thick of motherhood and grief?
Hope will Return. I promise. In the moment, it feels so out of reach, but little by little, it returns.
