25 Women Share What They Wish Their Friends & Family Understood About Pregnancy After Baby Loss
Kayla: That I can't shake the doubt something is wrong/ will go wrong and this baby will die too. That appointments are anxiety inducing. And mostly that these feelings just need to be heard and not "fixed".
Emily: Saying “it will all be perfect, I know it!” Does. Not. Help.
Aimee:
#1 - As much as you want this to make us happy again, it’s not that simple. I want to be happy too, but I am not going to fake it.
#2 - I know when you say “Things are going to work out this time” or “I have a good feeling” or “Everything is going to be ok”, you want me to feel better. In reality you don’t truly know those things, so it sometimes feels worse when you say them.
#3 - Thanks for putting up with me and showing me grace.
That both grief and joy can coexist
and it’s an impossible feeling to navigate.
Being pregnant again doesn’t replace
the baby I lost and loved deeply.Gena
Desiree: That having another baby will never ever fill the void of your child who died. That being pregnant again doesn’t mean you’re healed or over the death of your child. That being pregnant again doesn’t mean you’ll take a living breathing baby home again because losing another child is possible and having this knowledge is extremely difficult to cope with for 9 months. That pregnancy is never easy after your child died. That some people do not like the term rainbow baby so please don’t call a baby born after a child that died a rainbow unless the parents are ok with that term.
That me not having joy and excitement doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for the new child I’m carrying. I’m beyond grateful but I’m mourning for my child who died and I’ll never get over that.
These are just a few for me as a mom whose baby died at 38 weeks unexpectedly after a flawless pregnancy.
Emily: That we are becoming a family of 4... not 3.
Cynthia: That smiling and saying that I’m okay doesn’t mean I’m okay.
Jessica: That my son died at 20 months, he was my baby. He had a whole life and a place in our family. He will always have that place, another child doesn’t take his spot or replace him.
That the emotions of being pregnant after losing a child are some of the most difficult things a woman will ever face and deal with. Don’t pretend to understand if you don’t. It doesn’t help.
she's not my first.Lauren
Lauren: A lot of people speak about my daughter saying things like "the first one is always easy and calm, the next one will be crazy..." Etc. But she's not my first.
Also, I felt rushed to have another by some family members and now with my daughter I still have some wanting me to talk about having another but pregnancy after loss is scary. I was high risk with my daughter because my son died at 38 weeks gestation with no warning or apparent cause. I can be excited and also be scared. I can want more but also be hesitant and take me time to process.
And always honor the one I lost as one of my children.
Larissa: That this baby will be our SECOND and it doesn’t make everything better, and that this pregnancy is really nerve wrecking. I can’t just magically be excited - there are many complex emotions that come with loss and pregnancy after loss.
Hannah: I wish friends and family would understand that most of the anxiety, mixed emotions, fears and sleepless nights is not because “pregnancy will do that to you.” It has everything to do with the fact that we lost our daughter and the grief and fears that come with that.
That sometimes a new grief arises.
Balancing love for the new pregnancy
and still making time for grief is exhausting.
Holding the two side by side.And that dad's have anxiety too.
Devyn
Andrea: Putting my trust in God and my trust in the doctors is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Maggie: That just because I was pregnant again doesn’t mean I’m 100% comfortable with everything pregnancy related. I don’t want to hear about every other person’s pregnancy.
Every single week feels like a huge milestone.
Every single appointment is scary.
I already love my baby so much,
but that doesn’t make me miss my heavenly babies any less.Kelsey
Kelsey: Because we’ve had a late term loss, doesn’t mean that I’m exempt from something bad happening again. The “everything will be just fine, I know it” and “there’s no way it can happen to you again, I have a good feeling about this one” mentality drives me insane. I’m glad you feel so confident, but I don’t.
Casey: That “you’ll get there.” Or “just have faith a baby will come eventually” actually just hurts more than you being silent.
Kayla: That you can’t just “get over” the fear. That it’s hard to celebrate when you’re constantly riddled with anxiety. That you’re just waiting for something to go wrong.
And that one child can’t replace another, or eliminate the pain of your previous loss.
Cree: Not everyone will have the happy ending that your friend had. Some women truly just can't maintain a healthy pregnancy and have to find other alternatives in order to become a parent. Just because I have come to that realization, doesn't mean that I am "over it" or that "God healed my pain" or that "Everything happens for a reason".
I am still broken, I am scared to try again, I have continued doubts, I am bitter at pregnancy announcements and I am still under a dark cloud.
Everyone heals at different paces.
I am still broken,
I am scared to try again,
I have continued doubts,
I am bitter at pregnancy announcements
and I am still under a dark cloud.Cree
Abi: How terrifying it is. How yes we are excited, but all the anxiety and unknowns...
How difficult it is to bond with the pregnancy when you don’t know if you’ll be able to take this baby home...
That we aren’t “over” our previous loss, and this cannot makeup for the child lost.
Ilea: I got unexpectedly got pregnant immediately after my miscarriage, and almost everyone assumed that it “fixed” the problem and that I wasn’t in pain or allowed to feel the loss anymore.
Jenna: How absolutely terrified I am of losing this baby...even when he's super healthy and doesn't have a life-limiting diagnosis like our last. I know too much...and my anxiety just gets higher the closer we get to the due date.
I’m scared.
Every single day.
Megan
Danielle: It hurts that our baby’s grandparent doesn’t speak her name, or keep her photo with the family pictures.
Josefina: Keeping a loss to yourself can make you feel lost, isolated, alone, and with no support.
Amanda: That one baby doesn’t replace the baby lost. That I can still grieve my baby that is no longer here, and the fact that my children won’t be alive together.
a helpful RESOURCE FOR pregnancy after loss
40 Verses for
40 Weeks
40+ Bible Verses intentionally chosen to give you a true reminder of hope for the 40 weeks of pregnancy.
more resources for pregnancy after loss
