Trying to Conceive After Pregnancy & Infant Loss | Infertility, IVF & Hope

Mar 8

by Emily Stangl

Trying to conceive after infant loss is so layered and emotional, to say the least. When my mind would wander to that possibility, it felt like many of the stories I read or heard on podcasts about other people expanding their family after loss were immediate, like 6 months or less from the loss. They immediately wanted to be pregnant again, or immediately started trying, or immediately got pregnant and had their next child within a year. If this is you, or if this is how you are feeling, all the more power to you. Each of our healing journeys are unique.

That was not me. When my daughter passed on, I didn’t want another baby, I wanted her. I wanted this baby, my perfect, beautiful baby. I wanted her and only her. And that was my sentiment for a long time. I didn’t immediately want to start trying, or immediately want to be pregnant again, and I definitely didn’t immediately get pregnant. I didn’t experience any of that. And it was necessary for me and extremely hard all at once. It felt really isolating. The common theme in the loss community felt to me to be to try again quickly, or at least to want to.

Where were the moms who needed more time, who couldn’t see past their grief yet? And the quietest, scariest thought – where were the moms who didn’t even know if they’d be able to have another baby?

It only was after we got through my daughter’s first birthday and the first anniversary of her death that something fundamentally shifted in me. I still wanted my sweet girl – I always will – but now I also wanted another baby. I could feel it in my bones, this maternal instinct kicking in, as if my body was saying, “We’re ready now.” And so, my husband and I started making sure we were trying during my ovulation window, even knowing realistically that the chances of us getting pregnant naturally were slim.

We conceived my daughter with the help of IVF and knew that was the path we would always need to pursue to grow our family. But that was another twist that I hadn’t thought about. I knew now I wanted another baby, but was I ready to undergo another round of IVF? Obviously after my baby died I realized that I was not in control (I never was), God doesn't always say yes to every request, and that I wasn’t owed anything. I knew that and still – still – I secretly hoped that we would be that couple that experienced something so tragic, so awful, and then went on to experience a sudden bout of good luck… that maybe I would get pregnant naturally.

I thought I deserved this next pregnancy; I deserved it to come easy this time. A sort of redemption. But another baby is not a form of redemption. True redemption will only come on the day that I’m with my daughter again.

The thing about going through IVF after loss is the absoluteness of it. You are 100% committing to this decision; the decision to potentially have even more of your heart break, or, the decision for your love as a mother to grow again beyond what you thought possible. It’s not casual and it’s not happenstance. It’s emotionally and mentally and physically exhausting on top of already being emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted from grief. It’s compounding every fear, every anxiety, every hope, every wish. It’s like walking to the ledge and purposefully taking that step off, into the unknown, ready to either fall or to fly. It’s a binary outcome; you either will get pregnant or you won’t.

And so, my husband and I decided we’d walk to the ledge.

I acknowledge everything it took to get here. It took courage and faith and hope. It also took me coming to realize that even if I don’t have another child, a living child, I will be okay. I have my sweet girl and she is a big enough blessing for this lifetime. I needed to realize that I will continue forward, and I will find moments of peace and happiness, no matter how small, again. That took time, and I needed that and that’s okay.

I was never going to rush into having another baby to make everyone else feel better. Because when this baby does come, and I do bring her home, my grief will still be with me, right alongside all the other emotions, same as always. I had to know that I’d be able to hold both, tend to both, take care of both, love both, just like any other mom does when considering having another baby. And ultimately, unless I tried, unless I made this commitment to go through the IVF process again, I would never know.

And so I chose to step off the ledge, and, today, I’m flying.

Meet the Author: Emily stangl

Emily is married to her amazing husband, Mike, and is a proud Mama to her baby girl, Matilda Poppy whom they lovingly call Tilly for short. They also have a 7 year old chocolate lab who likes long walks and snuggling on the couch. Emily and Mike recently started a nonprofit foundation in their daughter's name and invite you to learn more about their sweet Tilly, her story, and how her light and love continue to shine on this side of heaven.

Connect with Emily:

Website: www.matildapoppyfoundation.org/

On Instagram: @emilyclarinda & @teesfortilly