pregnancy-after-miscarriage-pregnancy-loss-infant-loss-miscarriage-01.png

I am honored to share an interview with Bethy Craig about her experience with pregnancy after experiencing a “missed miscarriage.”

Bethy, thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so grateful.

Hi Bethy, tell us about your loss.

It was my second pregnancy, they would have been around 18 months apart. I was beyond excited. I had wanted another baby since our boy was about 2 months old. I loved being a mom and wanted all the babies. I had some bleeding around 11 weeks. We went to the ER and followed up with our OB and was told everything looked fine and the baby was right on track. But we were to follow up again the next two weeks. At our 13 week appointment, we were told our baby didn’t have a heart beat. It was a “missed miscarriage.” Our ultrasound tech said the baby was measuring right at 13 weeks 5 days, which is where I was in my pregnancy. “So it must have happened recently.”

I know the words were meant to comfort. But they destroyed me.

All I could think was what I was doing when it may have happened. And that my baby needed me and I didn’t know. I didn’t save them. I couldn’t save them. There was nothing I could do now. I’ve never been so shocked and numb.

I honestly never even considered this being a part of our journey. I’ve lived such a charmed life. How could this be happening? I’ve wanted kids so long and this pregnancy came so easy unlike our first. How could this even be our story? But looking back- without the bleeding and extra appointments, I wouldn’t have known we lost our baby until later. And I wouldn’t have gotten extra times to hear their heartbeat or see them “swimming.” It was God who blessed us with this baby and the extra times I got to see them.

What surprised you about pregnancy after loss?

How numb and then angry I was. And how jealous I continue to be.

What's one thing you wish people understood about pregnancy after loss?

It is the hardest, most alone feeling I’ve ever felt. To feel so alone and helpless and that there are no good options of how to make this end and go away.

It is the hardest, most alone feeling I’ve ever felt.

How did you know when it was the right time to try to conceive again?

I wanted to try again right away. And we did. But it was not right. We tried again for 14 months before becoming pregnant and keeping our girl. But I don’t think my heart ever really healed.

Did you experience fear and anxiety throughout your pregnancy? If so, how did you cope with anxiety and not living in a constant state of fear throughout your pregnancy?

Constant fear and anxiety. I just kept thinking if we made it 13 weeks 6 days, we were good. Then 16 weeks. Then our anatomy scan. I never felt safe or secure in this pregnancy. I used a fetal Doppler every day or at least every other day to check her heart beat and make sure she was still there. I counted kicks and made her move as best I could. I didn’t rest until she was finally in my arms.

What did you do practically to manage the day-to-day fear?

Fetal Doppler for her heart beat everyday.

How did you mentally prepare for labor?

I just knew I so badly wanted her in my arms. I prayed. I created a worship birth playlist. I would do anything for her to be here and safe. I knew the pain was temporary and that it would end and she would be here.

Do you have any advice or wisdom in regards to labor and delivery?

Pray. All the time. Create a worship playlist that takes you to the feet of Jesus. Know the pain does end. Yes it’s hard during, but so worth it.

How did you mentally prepare for bringing home a baby and the postpartum period?

I knew there would be hard and dark and long days and nights. There would be an adjustment. But it ends. You find a routine. You figure each other out. It all does fall into place.

What are some ways you honor and remember the baby you lost with your new baby?

I always speak of Noah. I have jewelry for each of my babies. I celebrate light and rainbows. We have their ultrasound picture framed with our other kids pictures.

What would you say to a mom who is feeling guilt over having another baby?

Jesus is the author of families. Nothing and no one ever replaces your baby. They are always loved and always in your heart. And wanting or having another baby never negates how loved and perfect they were and are in the arms of Jesus.

Nothing and no one ever replaces your baby.

What was it like bringing a baby home? In what ways did it trigger grief? Was there anything that surprised you?

Freeing. I had my baby in my arms. But there’s always someone missing. We should have a full house. Full arms. Not just a full heart.

What encouragement would you give to another mom who is pregnant after loss?

Trust Jesus. He loves your baby even more than you. And he has you and your baby. When you feel discouraged/disappointment/scared go to the Word. Text a trusted friend. Play some worship music and sing. Speak truth out loud so you hear it over you.

What advice would you give to someone who loves someone who is pregnant after loss?

Love them. Fully. Let them grieve. Don’t dismiss them. Don’t tell them to just be happy they’re expecting again. Don’t tell them to just move on. Let them cry or whatever they need to heal. Listen and don’t always offer solutions. Just be there.