So much of grief after pregnancy or infant loss involves being misunderstood. We recently asked our Joyful Mourning Community to share with us what they wish that others – friends, family, the medical community, etc. – understood about pregnancy or infant loss. Here are their responses. And PS: If you want to know more about how to love a friend grieving a pregnancy loss in the 1st trimester, click here & download a free guide, just for you. Thank you for loving the grieving mom in your life!

About 2nd Trimester Miscarriage or Stillbirth:

Every story and every loss is unique. Not all types of 2nd trimester losses are listed here. But these are a good starting point if you want to understand more.

The 2nd trimester is between 13-28 weeks in a woman’s pregnancy..
A loss before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage or 2nd trimester miscarriage in most places.
If a baby dies in utero after 20 weeks, the loss is considered a stillbirth.
For live births, NICU time is necessary and they are often called micro preemies. A baby is considered viable between 22-24 weeks.

We asked:

What do you wish other people understood about losing a baby in the 2nd trimester?

They answered:

“The shock is crushing. The physical aspects are incredibly different than a first trimester loss. It’s a fine line between second trimester miscarriage and stillbirth in the second trimester. I’ve been on both sides of that line and both were traumatic and shocking.” - S.

“With our second trimester loss, I had no signs of trouble at all, the last appointment before he had no heartbeat was just a perfect appointment.” - R.

“No one can prepare you for having to plan your child’s funeral. Having to sit in a hospital room waiting for my body to start labor while also choosing a funeral home was one of the most mentally training experiences. No one in our community had been to an infant funeral so planning a funeral was difficult because we didn’t know what was normal or what we should and shouldn’t do. The day of the memorial service came and I was numb. I didn’t know how to get ready to attend my child’s funeral. Just having people show up at the funeral and tell us our daughter was beautiful and how much they had already loved her without meeting her is what got me through the day. People saw her life as impactful and that is all I wanted and it brought joy in the midst of pain.” - V.

“I don't know if people understood that I actually did give birth to my son.” - R.

“Losing my pregnant belly destroyed me. Feeling like I was a part of death because my daughter died inside me, I just can’t not shake. I tear up at pregnant women all the time. I feel like I was robbed. Of my joy, of time, of providing a sibling to my son, of being a woman. It hurts to continue to make play dates for my living child because pregnant moms and little babies are almost always going to be involved… Every conversation revolves around “how many children do you have” and it’s the most difficult question in the world now.” - K.

“I wish more people - especially family - would remember my baby. The announcement was shared with family at 8 weeks, and to the public at 12 weeks, then 2 weeks later I’m holding my baby. Even though they barely had time to digest the news, there was still a life created. It’s really difficult to be the only one to being up my baby. I know this can be an issue with any baby loss no matter the stage, but somehow it feels like a rug was ripped out from under me. The parade was being assembled for all the joy and happiness, then all of a sudden it stopped.” - M.

“It’s so hard for people to talk about them after they’re gone. But sometimes that’s all you want.” - K.

“I lost my baby just shy of 20 weeks at home. It was completely unexpected. The only way people described miscarriage was “like a heavy period.” That was not at all what I experienced.” - K.

“Each person’s journey through grief and healing can look so very different- even if the loss occurred in the same trimester. I have felt like some people are trying to box me into their idea of a timeline of grief and it hurts.” - C.

“I wish people understood that I so deeply want to share my baby with others, just like any parent would. She was so fully formed, just very small, when I had her and she is so beautiful. It’s hard for others to understand that there is fear in sharing pictures of your baby, and that is such a hard thing to process.” - M.

“Maybe that’s the hardest thing, getting to hold your child but not being able to take her home and raise her.” - D.