Pregnancy-After-Pregnancy-or-Infant-Loss-with-Ashlee-Proffitt-miscarriage-stillbirth-joyful-mourning-podcast-01.png

Episode 92

I have said it before and I will say it again. Apart from losing my son Aaden, being pregnant again after losing him was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. And I know I am not alone in feeling that way. In fact the topic I receive the most requests for is pregnancy after loss. Just this week over in The Joyful Mourning Community a community member posted this, she said: “how do you deal with the crippling anxiety of being pregnant after loss?”

Over the past month or so I have added several resources specific to pregnancy after loss to our resource library including podcast episodes and blog posts — you can see all of those newly added resources by heading to themorning.com/pregnancyafterloss.

In today's episode I wanted to share 5 simple things to know about pregnancy after baby loss. These 5 things are meant to remind you that you aren’t alone in all the feelings you are feeling and the thoughts you are having. And even though you may feel crazy, you aren’t crazy.

If you are currently pregnant or hope to be pregnant again soon I pray this episode brings a ton of freedom. As you probably know, it is incredibly difficult for someone who has never experienced pregnancy or infant loss to know the depths of pain and fear that can be present in a pregnancy after loss. So consider this episode a reminder of things you already know but might just need to hear again, from a friend who has been there and really does understand. A friend giving you the freedom to feel all the feelings with no shame or guilt.

01. It’s ok and normal to feel a wide range of emotions.

In Episode 88 I interviewed Libby Marler from The Counseling Collective about pregnancy after loss and she said this: “its ok if you have feelings about this pregnancy that are not “normal”, its ok to have a wide range of emotions on any given day at any given moment about where you are if you are pregnant after you’ve experienced a loss. And that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with that. This isn’t a typical pregnancy and that’s ok.” I am so grateful for these words from Libby.

This statement is helpful as it acknowledges that from moment to moment, day to day, week to week, we may experience a plethora of different emotional responses. This is incredibly helpful because it normalizes an emotional response that isn’t only one of naive joy or happy feelings. This is important not only to say “hey mama you aren’t crazy for feeling all the feelings” but also because if we don’t normalize a wide range of emotions in pregnancy after loss, we can begin to feel guilty or ashamed for not being overjoyed all the time when we are pregnant with a baby that we have longed for and grateful for. Also I think it’s helpful to hear that a wide range of emotions are normal -- not just sadness or fear but also joy and peace. And a million other emotions in between.

Allison, a Joyful Mourning Community member said this about pregnancy after loss: “Pregnancy after loss taught me that fear and anxiety can exist at the same time as excitement and joy.” Just like all of grief is not tears and brokenness, all of pregnancy after loss is not fear and anxiety. There can be joy and peace and hope and excitement. All intertwined into this messy reality that really is all of life after loss. And that can feel hard to explain or understand and difficult to navigate because of course we want a tidy and simple response, one that makes sense, one that’s easy to explain.

But pregnancy after loss, just like all of grief is never tidy, it hardly ever makes sense and is nearly impossible to explain. So if you are experiencing a wide range of emotions, know that’s completely normal and to be expected.

02. This is not a typical pregnancy.

Libby’s statement I mentioned before acknowledged the fact that this is not a normal pregnancy. How helpful that is to hear. Being reminded of that truth gives freedom. It is not only ok that you are responding differently to this pregnancy than your previous pregnancy or the way you see another mom responding who has not experienced loss but it is expected. You should respond differently to this pregnancy.

We as loss moms are no longer naive to what can happen in pregnancy or infancy. We understand what can happen. We have experienced death. We can no longer look at pregnancy without the knowledge of what can happen and as a result we will respond differently.

We will respond differently to a positive pregnancy test, to our first doctor's appointment, to getting past the first trimester milestone, to the anatomy scan, to maternity clothes, to bump photos, to baby showers and registries and setting up a nursery. And everything in between.

This is not a typical or normal pregnancy because of what you have walked through before and what has led you to this moment. It’s ok to grieve that. It’s ok to be sad that your experience is different than what it should be. The road you are walking is not the way God designed it to be. What you have experienced is brokenness that deserves to be grieved.

I am grateful for the wisdom that Mindy, one of our community members shared about what to expect when pregnant after loss, she said: “It’s normal to have the feelings that maybe this baby won’t come home too, to hesitate to put a nursery together, to make a birth plan, to feel anxious about going into labor again, to cry during contractions because your heart hurts more than the contraction.”

And there is absolutely no shame or guilt to be had in that reality. Your pregnancy will look different than what you hoped it would be or expected it to be and different than those around you who have not walked this road. That is ok and that is to be expected because this isn’t a “normal” pregnancy.

03. Do the thing that brings comfort or peace.

Even if that thing isn’t what is normal or typical. Because remember, you have the freedom to walk through this pregnancy knowing that your pregnancy is not typical. Anna, another Joyful Mourning Community member said this: “It’s okay to not always be happy throughout your entire pregnancy, but it’s also okay if you are. It’s okay if you don’t want to have a baby shower, but it’s also okay if you do. Do what brings peace and helps you feel more comfortable. If that means scheduling extra appointments, do that!”

This is your permission slip to figure out what will bring peace or joy and to do those things. Don’t do something because that’s what is expected or normal and don’t not do something because it isn’t normal — figure out what will be helpful to you in this pregnancy and do that thing. So like Anna said, if that means scheduling extra doctors appointments do that. If that means saying no to extra doctors appointments and extra testing do that. If that means seeing a counselor weekly do that. If that means saying no to a baby shower or yes to a baby shower do that. If that means getting a doppler so you can hear the baby's heartbeat before you go to bed, do that. In a moment of fear or panic ask yourself honestly, what would be helpful right now and then give yourself permission to explore doing that helpful thing.

Of course the most helpful thing would be to not be walking through pregnancy after having lost a baby — to not be having to navigate this at all and that means while some things might be helpful only God can bring full healing and restoration.

To expect an extra doctors appointment or daily doppler heartbeat check to provide 100% peace in a moment like this is to set yourself up to be disappointed. There will never be anything, apart from God, that will provide full peace. Meaning, there will still be moments of fear where you will get to make an intentional decision to exercise faith — to trust that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. And that no matter what He will never leave you and that He loves you.

04. It’s ok to not feel ready to try again or be pregnant again or give birth again.

I get the question a lot and see it asked in The Joyful Mourning Community often — “when did you feel ready to try again?” and the thing is, there is no right or wrong answer here. You may never feel fully ready or you may feel ready right away. Either way, the decision is a weighty one, often wrought with trepidation.

And I just want to say, as a friend who has been there — it’s ok to not feel ready even once you’re there. Like Ashley, one of our members said, “You might start to think you’ve made a huge mistake and that you’re not ready yet. But if I had waited, I’m not sure I would ever have felt ‘ready’.” And all of that makes so much sense. To willingly enter into something that you know has the potential to cause great pain again is seemingly crazy.

Of course it will make you question when will be the right time and when will I feel ready and what if I never feel ready or I thought I felt ready and now I’m not so sure or I thought I was ready so why am I so scared — remember all of those feelings are normal because what you have gone through is traumatic and a pregnancy will no longer be this simple and effortless thing that it is for some people.

I love what Libby had to say about this in Episode 88, she said: “it is incredibly difficult AND incredibly courageous to say i’m willing to risk having another baby because you have ALREADY experienced what loss feels like so to then say I’m still willing to step back into this can be incredibly overwhelming. Pregnancy after loss is one part healing and one part hardship.”

So this is your friend who has been there just reminding you that there is no right answer to the question about when to try again. It’s ok if you don’t feel ready or thought you felt ready or are wondering if you will ever feel ready. All of that makes sense. My encouragement to you would be to specifically pray through that decision. To seek wisdom from an objective but caring friend who knows you well. To talk it through with your spouse. And then to pray again. And again. And trust that in the end there is no right or wrong answer here knowing that God will sustain you no matter what your decision is. He is not apathetic towards you and He sees your wrestling over this decision. He is a good God who cares deeply for you.

05. You will never forget the baby you lost.

There is likely this fear of the baby you lost being forgotten with the arrival of a new baby. And while those around us may sometimes communicate in a way that feels like they’ve forgotten or say things that make it seem like this new baby is replacing the baby you lost — you will never forget your baby. And one baby will never replace the life of another.

In fact I think the opposite is true — I think new life brings an opportunity to honor and remember the baby you lost. Meaning, you will find sweet and precious ways to honor your baby’s memory as you bring another baby into the world. You will create family traditions and talk to your baby about his brother or sister. You will show him or her photos or share stories. You will treasure this new baby with a grace-filled perspective because of the baby you lost -- and even in that way, your baby is leaving a legacy. He or she made you a mother.

No matter how many children the world sees you holding, you know there is another not pictured.

You will never forget because you were forever changed by the baby.

And one final thought — recently on the podcast, I interviewed Katelyn James Alsop about pregnancy after loss. And she said this: “going through a pregnancy after loss just expecting it to happen again doesn’t ease the pain if it does.... it just steals away any possible joy no matter the outcome.” She said it felt responsible for her to worry over the pregnancy or to keep the baby at arms length to not get attached. But the reality is, you are attached the second you see those two pink lines. And Katelyn’s right, no amount of negative outcome thinking or expecting the worst is going to prepare your heart in a way that prevents the pain or protects you from the hurt. No amount of worst case scenario thinking is going to keep you from being completely broken if the worst were to happen again.

But what it can do is keep you from having joy in this moment right now.

As someone who had to fight hard to experience the joy in my last pregnancy I know how difficult something like this is to hear — I know how frustrating and potentially guilt and shame inducing a statement like “you’re letting your fear win and steal all your joy from this pregnancy” can be and yet here I am saying joy is possible. No matter the outcome. And it is worth fighting for.

There is no magic formula that will get you there but prayer is helpful. Journaling is helpful. Reading God’s Word and being reminded that he is faithful and constant always, no matter the outcome, is helpful. Talking to a friend who understands is helpful. Being reminded that thinking about the worst case scenario, while it feels responsible, actually has no value and instead choosing to be disciplined with our thoughts and thinking on things that are lovely and good and true will be much more profitable to our mind and soul. So while it is not easy, joy can be had even during something as difficult as pregnancy after loss. And it is worth fighting for, I promise.

Whether you are pregnant now or hope to be pregnant again in the future I hope these 5 thoughts about pregnancy after loss were helpful to you. I hope that you were reminded that you are not alone and that all the emotions you are experiencing is to be expected, that this is not a normal pregnancy and because of that your response to it will be different, that it’s helpful to find things that bring comfort, that you might not feel ready to try again, and that you will never forget the baby you lost. I hope you heard me saying that there is nothing wrong with you and that it’s ok to feel all the feelings and lastly, that joy is worth fighting for even when it’s hard.