They’re the Finish Line of Grief & 5 Other Myths about Rainbow Babies
There’s a unique kind of pressure that comes after you lose a child, both from inside and outside of the loss community – the question of when you’ll have another. Even considering this question, whether you know you can carry a healthy baby or not, can be painful and damaging. In our grief we often buy into several myths that leave us disappointed, frustrated, and confused as we consider our family dynamics.
In all reality, it is not wrong to desire another child, or to want to fill your aching arms; however, rainbow babies are not the end goal. They can’t be. (Even the term “rainbow” is a debated one!)
The special bond and excitement subsequent children bring is unique, treasured, and not something to scoff at. Surely, babies born after loss are special to you, they have value and dignity, and they’re not somehow greater – or lesser – than your child who died. At the same time, there is unique joy and sorrow that comes from your last baby dying that is to be recognized and honored. Of course, you wish you had all of your babies living with you; of course, your hands are less full than they would have been. That doesn’t mean you have to have another.
Wherever you fall, know this: your motherhood does not hang on the hinge of having living children. Your worth does not increase or decrease based on your family demographics. Your value comes intrinsically, not based on what you have to show for anything. You are worth more than that.
Let’s unpack some of the common myths we tend to believe when we consider growing our families – or not – after loss.
Myth no. 01
Rainbow babies are the finish line of grief.
TRUTH: Our grief of child loss will always be with us – but it won’t always look and feel like it does right now. Grief is lifelong, and that’s a good thing – we never stop loving or missing our children. While moving “past” it all seems appealing, grief does not end; it only shifts and changes.
Whether we or those around us begin suggesting another child, we must ask what’s beneath the surface. Are we (or they) hoping for another child in order to suppress our grieving process? Or is the desire for growing your family – or not – simply the next step? Regardless, rainbow babies are not the finish line – a “finish line” does not exist.
Myth no. 02
If you have another baby, it means you’ve moved on.
TRUTH: Having another baby doesn’t erase your love for the children you’ve lost. This is something that often we know but that outsiders might not necessarily understand. We silently wonder if people will think that having another baby means we’ve moved on, we’ve forgotten, or we somehow love the baby we’ve lost any less; some even go so far as to tell you that! But it’s safe to say: you’ll never forget the baby you lost and having another child does not take away his or her value, memory, or joy. Your love will stretch. Your heart makes room for all of your children. Promise.
Myth no. 03
You have to grow your family again after you’ve experienced loss.
TRUTH: No one’s journey is the same. Whether your family is complete or you’re desperate for ten more, there is no right or wrong. This is so freeing! Regardless of whether your family grows, it is freeing to pause, mourn, and heal where needed, no matter where we are, in whatever way God leads us. There are no rules for how to grieve.
Myth no. 04
Her story is better than mine.
TRUTH: Your story is yours – and it’s beautiful. Comparing is not helpful. We compare everything from the time frame between pregnancies to how easy others’ lives seem, but to be honest, the comparisons we made are often rooted in assumptions, personal insecurities, and other things we have no control over. Just because another woman has something you want, it doesn’t mean that God loves her more, that she grieved “correctly,” or even that she must be some elite mom because she’s having another child. Our stories are unique, valuable, and meaningful – comparing is fruitless.
Myth no. 05
Without a rainbow, I’m insert here: a failure/unfit to be a mom/worthless/etc.
TRUTH: God may use losing your child to open your heart and home to even more children, but he also might do just the opposite. Either way, the number of children you have is not what your identity is based in – and isn’t that good news? It isn’t an evaluation of your ability to be a mom and it’s not a reflection of your character. Pressure’s off – your identity comes from God. He has called you precious, worthy, and his. Whether or not your family photos are “complete” does not dictate your standing or value in this world; allow yourself to rest in God’s given identity for you, even when your arms ache!
Myth no. 06
There is something uniquely magical about the babies that come after loss.
TRUTH: All children are special and have a sense of magic, but you love them because they’re yours, right? Your love for your child has nothing to do with what they can – or can’t – offer to you! As much as having a healthy child after loss can change your perspective on motherhood, on your children, and on the world around you, those things aren’t why you love your child. You love your child because they’re yours – image bearers of God, loved immensely by the One who created them, gifted to your family.
So, in a really beautiful way, these rainbow babies don’t have to be a certain way, act a certain way, come in a certain way, etc. There’s no pressure for them to fill all the gaps of your grief and loss – they can’t, and they won’t. (Think about the crippling pressure if that were the case!) God may use them to help heal parts of our hearts, but they cannot be the ones who bring healing. He must be. As we keep in mind their worth and that it comes from the God who created them and all of their siblings, we take the pressure off to truly love them for who they are, not for their birth order! Nothing sounds more special to me than that.
Mamas, we want you to know that regardless of how your family has grown and will continue to grow – or not grow – you are so loved. Your child(ren) who you’ve said goodbye to too soon are so loved and cherished. As you do the brave, hard work of grief, please know that your family demographics – as confusing and challenging as they can be after loss – is not where your worth lies. Just like each of your children, you are loved simply because you’re his.
Hi, I'm Meg!
I'm a mom of three with babies in Heaven, a fan of warm weather and the beach, and a lover of meaningful conversations with family and friends. I spend my days with my children and college students in Richmond, VA, sharing with them the grace and truth that Jesus offers as he transforms their lives - and mine!
