Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss, Placental Abruption, Premature Delivery & Infant Loss | Q&A with Krystal Elder
I am honored to share an interview with Krystal Elder about her experience with pregnancy and infant loss
Krystal, thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so grateful.
HI Krystal, TELL US ABOUT Your Loss.
My story started in 2018, I was told there was no heartbeat at my 16 week appointment, after a very healthy beginning. They scheduled a D&C for the following day. I will never forget that night, feeling my bulging belly, holding it and crying, telling my baby all I should have told them before. I took a picture right before we left to go to the hospital that morning, because I hadn't taken any belly pictures yet. We were so excited for this baby, and we miss them dearly.
Two years later, I became pregnant again, and miscarried around 8 weeks, we were of course heartbroken. A month after that, I became pregnant again. I passed the 16 week point and felt relief, I passed the halfway point and was so excited, then at 25 weeks, with no warning, I went into labor and had a placental abruption.
Our baby boy, Gabriel was born March 15th, 2020. He fought hard, and lived for 2 days on the outside. We love him and miss him so very much.
What surprised you most about grief?
I think I was most surprised by the feelings of anger and jealousy. These are so out of my character. I guess that is what is most surprising; what you thought was your 'character' is no longer 100% true.
You are still the same person, but everything in this world seems different.
What has marriage and grief looked like for you? What advice would you give to a grieving couple?
Our marriage has been a source of comfort, as we are both going through this together and are able to understand each other. That being said, it is not always easy. I wanted him to get more involved with support groups, read books, do something. He was not interested, and I had to be very intentional with not pushing him into what I thought was best.
We both acknowledge that we have different ways of grieving and worked very hard to respect each other.
I think another helpful piece of advice was to find someone else besides your spouse to lean on at times, because they are not the best source of strength as they are broken too. A pastor, a counselor, a trusted friend.
Did you go back to work after your loss? What advice would you give to a mom going back to work?
I did go back, after taking 2 months off. This probably brought the most anxiety. I would just encourage you to give yourself grace.
Be real with yourself, know that you will have hard times.
Think through what you will do if you need to take a moment for yourself.
Be honest with coworkers and management.
Don't try to prove anything, just be real and get your head into your work routine.
As much anxiety and fear led up to my work return, I feel like it was a good thing to return. That doesn't mean it was easy, there are still times grief will take the wind out of me unexpectedly at work. As hard as it is at times, I still feel that it was the best thing for me to return.
What resources have been the most encouraging or helpful to you amidst your grief?
Online groups, books, The Joyful Mourning podcast. Family and friends who have been through this.
Are there any books, bible studies or bible verses that have been a source of encouragement or comfort?:
I am currently reading "Didn't See That Coming" by Rachel Hollis. I also loved "No Happy Endings" by Nora Mcinerny, I think the humor and brutal 'realness' and honesty of their writing is refreshing. I am also starting a Bible Study on Job "Trusting God in Times of Adversity" by Kay Arthur and Pete Delacy. "Loved Baby" was a great devotional type book as well.
What was the most meaningful thing done for you amidst loss? How have you been best loved?
My mom and sister thoroughly cleaned my house.
My friends put groceries in our fridge without asking.
My coworkers brought my 3 year old daughter a box of activities.
Flowers and cards were all special to me.
I think people just sending messages randomly has been most comforting, knowing they remember and care. My friend sent me a little gift every week for a couple of months. Others sent flowers on special occasions.
What's one thing you wish people would ask you?
I wish people would ask what my plans were for his birthday or how I am remembering him, just ask about him more I guess.
What advice would you give to someone who loves a grieving mom?
Be patient with them. They are turning into something new, which may not always be easy to watch, but they need to know they are supported. They depend on your more than you will ever know, even if they are not wanting connection at this time. It will come back, just don't give up.
What encouragement would you give to another mom who is grieving?
You are still the perfect and only mama to that baby, you two were meant for each other. There is still life out there, don't feel bad for grieving and having days your don't open the blinds, but also don't feel bad about living your life and enjoying all you have, including the life of the child you lost.
There is no possible way your baby will ever be forgotten, because they were fearfully and wonderfully made, just like you.
you are not alone.
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