Grieving Together after Pregnancy or Infant Loss | Q&A with a Grieving Couple

Grief

Jun 27

David & Kayla Rose

Editor’s Note

Every grieving couple is different and even within a marriage or relationship, each person grieves differently. This month we want to highlight real grieving couples who have experienced the loss of a baby in hopes that it gives you the feeling that you are not alone in your grief and that you can continue to love and support each other in the midst of your grief. Come back next week for Part II of David & Kayla’s Q&A.

Tell us about your family.

We have two children. A three old living with us here on Earth, and our second little boy Jace who lives in Heaven. In November of 2021, we unexpectedly lost Jace due to intestinal malrotation and volvulus. This is a condition where the intestines do not rotate like they should in the first trimester of pregnancy and then can become twisted. This twisting, restricts blood flow to the intestines, and if not corrected leads to intestinal death.

To say that Jace’s death was unexpected is an understatement. His pregnancy was totally normal and everything appeared as if he was completely healthy, and we had no reason to suspect anything differently. On the day he was born we had our 37 week appointment and I let my doctor know that I had noticed a decrease in his movements and from that moment our lives changed forever. Jace was born via emergency c-section a few hours later. The next day we discovered that he had complete intestinal death, and we chose palliative care to assist him to Heaven. We were blessed to have our sweet boy with us on Earth for three days. Despite the circumstances we will always be thankful for those three days, because it provided us, our parents, and siblings the opportunity to spend time with him before he passed.

What have you done to support each other while grieving?

Kayla: The best and most important thing that we have done to support each other is to communicate. In the early days, I remember Dave would make me talk to him about how I felt. There were many nights that I would wake him up and cry more than I even talked, but knowing that he was there to listen to me – even if it was just while I cried – meant more than anything else in that moment.

Dave: Time. The most valuable thing you can give someone grieving and hurting is your time. At any point me or my wife have issues, it’s important for us to just spend time together and talk. Not that we can always reason it out and change how we feel about what we’re going through at the time, but to know that no matter what in the end we will always have each other. Being around someone you care for so much does more for me than anything I have found.

What is something you wish your friends or family understood?

Kayla: The support that we received from our family and friends after Jace passed was unbelievable. I could never express my love and gratitude for the people in our lives that loved us through those days. A year and a half later, I want others to know how much I appreciate it when people remember him and mention him to me. I think every parent who has lost a child is afraid that child will be forgotten. Personally, even when I think about having another child the thought crosses my mind, “Will people remember or know that this is our third baby?” I also realize that this is sometimes hard for people to do because they are unsure of how what they do or say will be received.

Dave: I really wish my friends and family knew it’s okay to ask and check on you. I think people don’t want to bring up the situation because they’re afraid of reminding me of Jace and thinking it causes me pain. I hold myself together very well and people may think I am totally fine and have it all together but it would be a great thing to know that others acknowledge and care about your mental health and well-being.

What advice or encouragement would you give another grieving couple?

Dave: My advice would be don’t let such tragedy keep you from noticing all the wonderful things in your life. It seemed like after Jace’s death all I could do was notice the bad things happening. It felt like nothing good was happening or going to happen. When good things do happen, no matter how big or small, notice them. Amplify and appreciate them. Unfortunate things happen to everyone. Everybody on this earth will experience the worst day of their life at some point. No one is exempt. And the pain you feel is stronger than any good or positive you will ever encounter. But that has taught me to take every single positive thing that happens and appreciate them to their max. Maintain self awareness and try to keep a pure thought process. It's easy to get sucked into the hole of “poor pitiful me”.

Kayla: The most important advice that I could give another grieving couple is to continue to pursue a relationship with God even when it feels like he is so far away. There were many times early on when I felt numb inside and just went to church because I knew that I should. When I couldn’t read my Bible, I would read grief devotionals and in those devotional scriptures about God’s love towards us in the midst of trying times in our lives would be revealed to me. One of my favorite verses is Revelation 21:4 - He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Lastly, I would say to stay in open communication with each other. Even though your spouse's grief may look different than yours, if you are communicating through the process you can each lean on one another when you need it most.

Meet the Author:
David & Kayla Rose

We were high school sweethearts and have been together for 17 years. We both work in healthcare, and have a small farm and raise cattle. We have two children. A three old living with us here on Earth, and our second little boy Jace who lives in Heaven. In November of 2021, we unexpectedly lost Jace due to intestinal malrotation and volvulus. This is a condition where the intestines do not rotate like they should in the first trimester of pregnancy and then can become twisted. This twisting, restricts blood flow to the intestines, and if not corrected leads to intestinal death.