Still a Mother: Parenting After Losing Your First Child

Grief

Aug 9

by Stephanie Bertran Williams

“Wait, you don’t still consider yourself a mother, right?” A friend said this to me just a few months after Calvin died. Even though I knew he was coming from a place with good intentions, it still landed like a punch in the gut. This was the emotional conflict: I saw myself as a mother, but did others?

From the moment I had a positive pregnancy test, intellectually, I knew I was a mother. But I remember my words and it was always “I’m so excited TO BE a mother.” I didn’t consider myself a mother for real until I had that baby. Looking back now, I regret those thoughts. I was a mother from that very moment. Even if I had miscarried at 5 weeks, I would still be a mother. I’m sad it took me this long to come to that realization.

So what am I now? Am I a mother? Did I used to be a mother but not anymore? Do I count Calvin as a child when people ask if I have any kids? Do I keep him to myself? Those first couple of months after Calvin died, I really struggled with those questions. I remember the first time someone asked me if I had any kids. I panicked and didn’t know what to say so I just blurted out “I do, but he’s dead.” Oh boy, that poor woman’s face. Thankfully I learned better ways to include Calvin but also not shock the person into uncomfortableness.

Looking back, I think what I was trying to convey in that moment was that I really am a mom and I belong in that community! My biggest fear was that no one other than me and my husband would even remember that Calvin existed; being told I was not actually a mother was just the first step to that happening.

What I found interesting was that my husband had the opposite response to whether we were parents after Calvin died. We were talking the week after Calvin died and the topic of parenthood came up. Jeremy’s response was, “Of course we are still parents! We have a son, right?” That present tense use of the verb meant so much. And he was right! Calvin was not in the past; he was still our son. Just because Calvin was no longer in our arms on earth, it doesn’t mean that he never existed.

That present tense became a significant part of our healing process. We would spend so many evenings sitting together and talking about what Calvin would be doing, how we would be parenting him, and really just including him in our lives. Jeremy and I are still parents, our parenting just looks a little different than the average parent.

We don’t get to raise our child; instead, he is already more perfect than we could ever be on this earth. “Death has dissolved that bond” of “carnal relations” but we will still know him as our child (John Flavel). The Puritan pastor John Flavel talks in his book Facing Grief: Counsel for Mourners about how “you shall know them to be such as once were your dear relations in this world, and be able to single them out among that great multitude, and say, this was my father, mother, husband, wife, or child; this was the person for whom I wept and made supplication, who was an instrument of good to me, or to whose salvation God made me instrumental” (Flavel 66).

While it seems like it will never come, we will see our children again in Heaven. “The children of the resurrection can die no more (Luke 20:36); you shall kiss their pale lips and cold cheeks no more; you shall never fear another parting pull, but be together with the Lord for ever (1 Thessalonians 4:17)” (Flavel 68). Our parenting is not normal for the world; we will never get the chance to teach them how to be young adults, help them decide on a career path, or watch them get married. We will, however, get to teach the world about them. We get to rejoice in seeing our children being stripped of their sinful nature and ascending to glory and grace before we do.

As parents, do we not want what is best for our children? Listen to our beloved babies and understand that we should “weep not for me but for yourselves” (Flavel 70). Our jobs as mothers now is to take the lessons our babies taught us and live our lives in a way that glorifies God.

MEET THE AUTHOR
Stephanie Bertran Williams

Stephanie has been married to her husband Jeremy for 7 years and they have 1 son, Calvin Luis, in heaven. They currently live in Rockville, Maryland where Stephanie teaches at the local high school. Their son Calvin was born prematurely at 23 weeks and 1 day. Against all odds and with the grace of God, Calvin lived for 5 wonderful weeks in the NICU before shedding his earthly body and becoming fully enveloped in the arms of God.

Connect with Stephanie:
Instagram: @stephaniewilliams4410

Email: stephaniewilliams7635@gmail.com