Hope after Miscarriage | Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Hope

Apr 18

by Megan Steuer

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now. On our 2nd wedding anniversary, we made the decision to start trying to grow our family. Knowing that this process can take years for some couples, I prayed and tried to go into it with an open heart, which is difficult for someone as impatient as me.

After about 6 months of negative pregnancy tests, multiple Google searches of anything that could be a symptom of pregnancy, and many anxious thoughts, I surprisingly got a positive pregnancy test! I was so excited, overjoyed, and astonished that the test finally turned up positive. I told my husband that morning, elated to share that he was going to be a dad.

Within a week, we told his sister and brother-in-law, since they had been praying for us. I remember thinking of ways to share our wonderful news with them, and landed on a Finding Nemo postcard from a stack of Disney cards we had. I wrote “Little Squirt coming July 2023”

The news started to sink in, and we started picturing what it would be like to be a family of 3.

But, of course, this story doesn’t have the ending that every couple wants when they learn of a pregnancy. A few days before Thanksgiving, we found ourselves driving to the emergency room and learned that we were miscarrying at 6 weeks.

My heart was broken, shattered, in pieces. I felt so abandoned by God. I could see some silver linings – the pregnancy wasn’t ectopic, I didn’t need a D&C, I was (physically) ok and after some time we would be able to try again without major physical complications. Yet I was reeling, both emotionally and spiritually.

I questioned the goodness of God. How could a God be good and allow something like this to happen? Why did He give us a blessing and then, not even 2 weeks later, rip it out from under us? Why did it have to happen to us? Why couldn’t we be the 3 in 4 that didn’t have to experience pregnancy loss?

It’s been several months since that time, and I don’t know that I have any answers to those questions, but God has shown me some things that have kept me going and revealed slivers of hope.

A verse that I have clung to is John 11:32-37, which shares the Death of Lazarus. Lazarus was a friend of Jesus and brother of Martha and Mary. Lazarus was gravely ill, which Jesus knew. Yet Jesus stayed behind and let Lazarus, his friend, die. When Jesus goes to Martha and Mary, both reproach him for not being there, saying that Lazarus wouldn’t have died if Jesus had been by his side.

It felt like this to me in our loss and grief. It felt like Jesus wasn’t there beside us as our precious baby died, like he abandoned us as he had abandoned Martha and Mary in Lazarus’s death.

But before they go and see Lazarus where he was laid in the tomb, Jesus wept. Jesus knew that he was going to bring Lazarus back to life, but he cried and mourned for his lost friend along with Martha and Mary. This reminded me that Jesus is still beside us as we grieve for our lost Squirt.

I’m still learning to process my grief and live through what I call the “messy middle,” a season where we grieve our loss but also hope for a future pregnancy that can lead to a healthy baby. The messy middle has moments of joy as we celebrate holidays, family birthdays, and friends having kids of their own. Joy as we honor and celebrate our Squirt, even though we didn’t get to meet him or her on this side of heaven. Joy as we plan a vacation for our 3rd anniversary and learn to slow down. But the middle also has moments of sorrow as we miss the memories we won’t get with our baby on Earth – no holidays, birthdays or family vacations.

God and close family and friends have taught us that it’s important to acknowledge all the feelings, both joy and sorrow. To not let the sorrow rob the joy or the joy eclipse the sorrow that also needs its space. To work through and share with each other, acknowledging the other spouse’s perspective. It’s ok to feel different things, but not for it to wedge us apart.

And, most of all, time and love. Time and patience is something that I struggle with on a good day, and mine has been stretched greatly over the past year. It leads me to pray. I pray that we all feel the vast love God has for us, that He sent his only son to die for us on a cross. And I pray that no couple has to experience this kind of loss, but that, if you do, you give each other and God the time to process it together.

Meet the Author: Megan Steuer

Hi! I'm Megan - a Wisconsinite through and through - Go Pack Go, On Wisconsin, Bucks in 6! I live in the Milwaukee area with my husband Dan. We love to travel, watch WI sports and cycle. My day job is an assistant project manager for a local general contractor in commercial construction.