5 Ways to Love a Grieving Mom on Mother's Day

Apr 25

To most, Mother’s Day is an innocent holiday, a nearly benign day that feels lighthearted. A day we don’t put much thought or preparation or planning into until it arrives. There aren’t aisles of Mother’s Day decorations at Target months before the holiday actually arrives. But while this day feels nonchalant for most, there are many that anticipate it’s arrival long before the Mother’s Day cards are out or the gift guides start appearing because for them the day is heavy, wrought with the pain of what they have lost, of what they long for, of who is missing.

For these are women who have experienced the loss of a baby. And as they anticipate this day they are asking the question, will anyone remember? Will anyone recognize my motherhood?

She doesn’t know her place on a day like this. And she doesn’t want to disrupt the joy of another so she stays quiet, hiding away her desire for her motherhood to be recognized, her desire to be brought into the celebration, even her confusion over her place on a day like this, whether or not she belongs.

And because I love her and because I have been there and because I have personally seen the value of friends walking into these hard spaces and reminding me of truths, of recognizing the baby they never met or the baby they no longer see, I want to help you love her well during a difficult moment like Mother’s Day.

But before I share the simple ways that you can love her, I want to say thank you. Thank you for valuing your friendship. Thank you for investing in a friend when it isn’t comfortable, easy or maybe even reciprocal during this season of her life. Thank you for loving her and thinking about her, for praying and calling even when you don’t have the words and showing up even when it's inconvenient. Thank you for trying to understand this journey a bit better. Thank you for not ignoring her pain but diving into it. Thank you for being willing to sit in the muddy waters of grief with her. Thank you for being a safe place for her. I am so grateful she has you. Your friendship will forever be changed because of your willingness to dive into the sorrow with her. It will change in the best of ways, as it deepens and grows in a way you could have never imagined.

If you are reading and new to being a friend to someone who is grieving, know this -- she needs you. And it will be awkward and uncomfortable, you will say the wrong thing and so will she. It will be messy but it’s worth it. And the most valuable thing you can do is to show up. Consistently. For a long time. Grief over a baby lost is not a journey that is sprinted. This is a marathon. She will have good days and she will have bad days but she will need to keep asking for a long time. Birthdays matter. Due dates matter. Heavenly birthdays matter. Anniversaries matter. So write the dates down and reach out on those days. It will mean more to her than you ever know.

Specifically as it relates to Mother’s Day, if you care about someone who has experienced baby loss, know this, the most valuable thing you could do for your friend is affirm her motherhood. Remind her that, while her motherhood may look differently than what she hoped it would or what yours looks like or what the normal picture is — she is a mother too. Remind her that she is loved and her baby is not forgotten.

When it comes to grief, we tend to make it more complicated than it needs to be. We get overwhelmed by a desire to do the perfect thing and that keeps us from doing anything at all. But this isn’t complicated. She just wants to know she isn't forgotten. That she is seen. That her motherhood is recognized. That someone remembers.

5 Ways to Love a Grieving Mom on Mother’s Day:

1. Give her a card.

You still have time to get one in the mail or you could drop it by her house or even send something digitally. I created a line of beautiful and thoughtful Mother’s Day Cards specifically for women who have experienced the loss of a baby. You can find those here. Never underestimate the power of a handwritten note.

2. Send her flowers

or drop a bouquet off at her door. Even grocery store flowers feel really special when someone else buys them for you. Or if she’s the gardening type, dropping off some flowers or plants to be planted would be incredibly meaningful and give her something to do on this day and a reminder for many days to come that she is seen and loved.

3. Text her

"I love you. I know this day is hard. I remember with you. I'm praying.”

4. Drop off her favorite treat.

Maybe it's Starbucks. Maybe it’s chocolate. Maybe it’s chips and queso. Maybe it’s wine. Or maybe it’s all of the above. Dropping this off for her will give her permission to have her own little celebration as she enjoys the treat and that is such a gift.

5. Give her a thoughtful gift.

We pulled together our favorite Mother’s Day gifts for the bereaved mother into a gift guide. We’ve listed our favorite jewelry that is applicable to both pregnancy and infant loss, our favorite themed gift basket ideas, and a couple gifts you would never expect but that I promise would be so meaningful. Remember, a gift doesn’t have to be expensive to be meaningful and it will go a long way at saying “I see your motherhood. You deserve to celebrate today too.” Check out that gift guide here.

TO THE BEREAVED MAMA

And I would be remiss if I didn’t talk directly to our grieving moms as well. For some of you listening, you don’t have a close friend who has been willing to dive into the throes of grief with you. Maybe even your husband or partner doesn't really acknowledge your motherhood or ask you how you’re doing or say your baby’s name.

Maybe you feel more lonely and unseen today than you have ever felt before. And to you I want to say, no matter if you feel seen or not, the truth is, you are. You are known. You are loved. You are never alone. Because you have a Father in heaven who says He will never leave you. That He hears your cries. That He sees your tears. That you are loved. God’s nearness is one of the most comforting truths about His character.

Psalm 139:7-12 says: Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
And Isaiah 43:2 says: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

These verses remind us that He is always with me and He is always with you.

It means we are never alone.

It means that He doesn’t expect us to face the pain and the hurt and the brokenness on our own.

He has never left your side. He is with you in the fire and in the flood.

You are never, ever, ever alone friend. I pray you would know that truth deep in your soul.

So if you are a bereaved mama, I want you to know you are loved and not forgotten. That you are seen and remembered. That you are a mother. Happy Mother’s Day.

And to those reading who love a bereaved mama, thank you for loving her and mothering her in such a special way. You are a gift that she will treasure forever. Happy Mother’s Day to you as well.

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